The Castle With Hiccups
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Chapter One
The Castle definitely hiccupped. It did it once on Monday, twice on Tuesday and again on Wednesday. It was a heavy old Castle so it did not jump too far into the air, but it was enough to send the pots and pans crashing to the floor in the kitchens. The oddest thing of all was that while the Castle moved, the surrounding countryside stayed as still as it always had done. King Oswald was not happy about it. The Tuesday jump bounced him straight out of bed and on to the floor. Queen Jessamy was not pleased either. The Wednesday hiccup had made her drop a whole line of stitches on her knitting. Thomas the kitchen boy was not pleased. He was the one who had to pick up the pots and pans in the kitchen and put them back on the shelves.
To make matters worse, before and after each hiccup there was the most dreadful noise coming from somewhere deep below the Castle. The before noise sounded like, “Hoooooooo!” The after noise was “Eeeeeeeeeeee””
They were all very pleased when there was no movement on Thursday or Friday. Everyone heaved a sigh of relief and hoped that the problem had gone away.
On Saturday morning the Castle hiccupped once again. All the pots and pans jumped off the shelves and a few slates fell off the Castle roof. King Oswald was bounced right off the throne and on to the floor. His morning tea spilt all over the place. As King Oswald tried to stand he slipped in the spillage and sprained his ankle. He was not pleased and said some very unkinglike words.
He was even less pleased when the Castle staff refused to stay in the Castle for a moment longer. They packed their bags and went off down the hill into the nearby town. Only Henry the Butler, Bertram, a footman and Thomas the kitchen boy stayed behind. Henry stopped because he had not even noticed that the Castle had moved at all. It wobbled slightly for him all the time, especially after a few glasses of the King's best Port. Bertram stayed because he thought that being the only Footman in the Palace would lead to his promotion to Head Footman. Thomas stayed because he was told to by Mary, one of the chambermaids. “Someone has to keep an eye on the Princess,” she said. The Princess stayed because it was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to her so far. King Oswald stayed because he could not walk and he refused to be seen being pushed through the streets in a wheelchair. Queen Jessamy stayed because the King stayed.
There were two other people left in the Castle, the Court Magician and Princess Jasmine's old nurse. The Magician had stayed because one of the hiccups had spilt a spell which he had been working on. The result was that the poor man had forgotten everything including who and where he was. He had wandered off somewhere in the Castle and no-one had managed to find him. Nurse stayed because she did not want to leave the Princess all on her own.
Thomas and the Princess enjoyed themselves making toast and omelettes for lunch which they served in the throne room.
“It's like picnicking inside,” said the Princess.
Saturday went with no further movement as did Sunday. Hopes were raised that the disturbances were finally over. They were dashed early on Monday morning when the Castle hiccupped once again. Pots and pans went crashing in the kitchen, more slates fell from the roof. As before there were the strange noises before and after.
Henry Butler had just served the Royal family’s breakfast and gone back to his Pantry. Breakfast was toast and boiled eggs made by Thomas and the Princess. As you would expect, the sudden movement of the Castle made the breakfast dishes fall off the table. Thomas was sent for to clean up the mess.
Whilst he was busy with the brush and dust pan he muttered to himself.
"I do not know why someone does not go and look in the Dungeons,” He did not mean to say it out loud but he did.
The King heard, "What did you say?"
Thomas looked up, "I said, this is upsetting Nurse's bunions, sire."
"No you didn't, you muttered something about the Dungeons. Come on, don't be shy, spit it out, say it again," ordered the King.
Thomas said, "Someone ought to look in the Dungeons. After all that is where the noise is coming from."
"Good idea, my boy. Send for the Field Marshal." King Oswald ordered.
The Field Marshal was sent for. The kingdom was only small and there was little call for a large army. There were, in fact, only fifteen soldiers in it and all of them part time soldiers too. The Field Marshall was also the local fishmonger when he was not soldiering. He arrived, red in the face wearing his apron and still carrying the large fish which he had been filleting when the summons had arrived.
He bowed low, "Sire?"
The smell of fish was quite overpowering and King Oswald who was not very fond of fish at the best of times, had to hold his nose. He waved the fishmonger/soldier to stand further away.
"Find your men and examine the Dungeons." That is what he said, but with his nose blocked it sounded more like, "Fide yer meb add examid the Dudgods."
The Field Marshal had a small problem. He was slightly deaf. This had happened when one of the soldiers had accidentally fired his pistol next to his head. Normally he managed very well lip reading what people said to him. Also, the King usually shouted his orders so there was no problem there either. The trouble was he could not see the King's lips moving and he was too far back to hear what King Oswald said and it is hard to shout when you are holding your nose. The poor Field Marshall had no idea what the king had said.
He did not like to ask the king to repeat the orders, so he saluted, "Yes, sire. Straight away sire," and left the room to try to make sense of what he thought he had heard.
It was obvious that the King wanted the soldiers to march round the Castle. The Field Marshal, like all the townspeople knew that there was a problem with the Castle, so he assumed he and his men were to examine the walls. He rounded up the soldiers and the marched round the Castle and found nothing unusual.
He reported back to the king that they had searched without success. He saluted and went of home proud to have done his duty.
King Oswald sent for Thomas. "I have had the Dungeons searched and nothing has been found."
"Oh, that's strange." Thomas said. "May I ask a question, sire?"
"Of course," replied the king, in a good mood.
"Why did the Field Marshall and his men search round the OUTSIDE of the Castle, when the Dungeons are below the cellars, INSIDE the Castle?"
King Oswald's good mood left him. "The Field Marshall is so deaf it is hard to get him to hear anything. He will have to go, but he does sell such good fish and the Queen likes fish." He thought for a moment. "I know, I'll send Bertram, the footman."
Bertram arrived and bowed low to the King. He was one of those people who was very keen to please, but he was also very nervous.
King Oswald shouted at him which made him even more nervous. "Go and search the Dungeons."
"Yes, sire, straight away sire, right now sire!" Bertram said, but did not actually go anywhere.
"Well, go!" Oswald snapped.
"Yes, sire I am going sire, now sire."
"GO!" screamed Oswald.
Bertram fled. For a few moments the room was quiet, and then there was a quiet knock on the door. It opened slowly and Bertram's head appeared round it. "Please sire, if I may be so bold, may I take a candle with me?"
King Oswald snatched a candle from the candlestick on the fireplace and flung it at the door.
"Oh, thank you sire, thank you." Bertram picked up the candle and left closing the door quietly behind him. The room was quiet once more.
Then there was a quiet knock on the door which opened slowly once again. Bertram peered round the door. "If it pleases your majesty, may I light the candle?"
King Oswald screamed and snatched a tinderbox from the mantelpiece and threw it at Bertram.
The door closed again behind Bertram. King Oswald slumped on his throne and ground his teeth.
The door opened again. King Oswald took of his crown and flung it at the opening door as hard as he could.
"Have I upset you my dear?" Queen Jessamy asked, picking up the battered headgear. Oswald often threw his crown at the door, so he usually wore a very simple one which could be easily knocked back into shape.
Oswald apologised and the Queen pushed in a trolley with the tea things on it. She was quite enjoying herself with all the servants away.
The castle hiccupped again, spilling the royal couple’s tea all over the nice clean white cloth. Thomas came to clean up the mess. He was doing this when the door opened and Bertram came rushing in. He was so agitated he did not even bother to knock. He was white faced and trembling. There were cobwebs hanging from his hair and a dirty smut on his nose. He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. He closed his moth and tried again. No sound came out.
"Don't just stand there like a goldfish opening and closing your mouth, say something." King Oswald was never a very patient man.
Bertram tried again. "Sire, your Majesty, highness, I resign. Now." With that he turned and ran out of the room before anyone could say anything or stop him.
King Oswald shouted, “Come back here this instant." It was too late Bertram had gone. Thomas was sent after him, but he could not catch up with the fleeing man who was last seen running as fast as he could out the Town.
"And we still don't know if there is anything in the Dungeons," complained King Oswald. "Who else is there to go and look?"
"Henry, the Butler is still here," said the Queen. "Why don't you ask him to go and look dear? He spends most of his time down in the cellars. He ought to know what is going on down there."
The butler arrived. He had been sampling the King's brandy, which was very strong stuff, when he had been summoned. He stood swaying gently in the doorway.
"You sent for me sire??"
King Oswald said, "Yes, Go down into the Dungeons and see if you can find out why the castle has got hiccups."
"Yes sire," Henry turned carefully and left the room. King Oswald and Queen Jessamy settled themselves down to a game of Patience. The Queen actually played the game and King Oswald interfered. Half an hour went past without the butler reappearing.
Henry had started out for the Dungeons, but on the way he had to pass through the Wine Cellars and as he was an old man, he felt he needed something to give him the strength to climb down the steep stairs to the Dungeons. One glass led to another, and then it seemed a shame not to finish the bottle, so he did. By then he had forgotten why he had been sent and did not remember until he was halfway through the next bottle. He staggered to the top of the stairs and looked down. It looked awfully dark and steep. He decided that he had gone far enough. He returned to the throne room and stood wobbling in the doorway. When he spoke it was very slowly and carefully.
"Your Majesty, I looked at the Dun, hic, the dun, hic...........cellar and I could not see anything."
He turned and made a stately exit before collapsing in a heap in his Pantry.
Thomas put a pillow under the sleeping butler's head and went up stairs to the throne room.
King Oswald said, "Ah there you are my boy. Henry has looked in the Dungeons and found nothing."
"Sorry sire,” said Thomas, who was not a shy sort of person. "But Mr. Henry only went as far as the top of the steps. He did not actually go into the Dungeons themselves."
King Oswald was not amused. "He will have to go."
Queen Jessamy agreed. "But he has been the butler here for many, many years, we cannot just get rid of him."
"We'll think about that later," sighed the king. "Now who is going to look in the Dungeons for us?"
"I think I am the only one left, sire," said Thomas. "So it looks as if it will have to be me."
"Right" said the King, "Off you go then."
Thomas bowed and left the room. The only person, who normally took much notice of Thomas other than the kitchen maid, was Princess Jasmine. She met him coming out of the throne room.
"Hello Thomas. What is happening?" She smiled at him.
"I am going down to the Dungeons to see if I can find out why the Castle is jumping up and down." He replied.
"Do you think there is something down there?”
Thomas shrugged his shoulders. "I do not know, but it seems possible."
"Well, do be careful, no-one has been down there for years, if ever. It is supposed to be haunted."
Thomas promised to be careful and opened the throne room door for her to go and join her parents.
Thomas lit a candle and walked slowly down the dusty, narrow steep stairs which led to the Dungeons. He wondered what had upset Bertram so much. It was obvious that the footman had been down the stairs. Thomas could see footprints in the dust. Thomas walked slowly, not because he was afraid, but he did not want to bang his head on the ceiling. That is what he told himself, not noticing that the ceiling was high above his head. The door at the bottom of the stairs was not only unlocked, it was open. The smell of fish and cabbages was very strong.
The door opened on to a corridor with rooms on one side of it. They would not have made very good cells as none of them seemed to have doors.
Thomas went into the first room. It was empty. He went into the second one and almost jumped out of his skin. There was someone in it. He backed out and stood in the corridor breathing deeply, working up the courage to go back in. However, the figure came out first and spoke.
"Excuse me, can you tell me who I am?"
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It was the Court Magician. Thomas heaved a sigh of relief and told him.
"Thank you," replied the Magician. "Er, what did I just ask you?"
Thomas shook his head and told the Magician to go back up the stairs. The magician turned to go, but just stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up. He turned back to Thomas, "Where was I going?"
Thomas sighed, "Never mind, just sit on the stairs and I'll deal with you in a minute."
The magician sat down, muttering to himself. "What did he say my name was? He told me to do something, but I cannot remember what it was. I had better sit here on the stairs until he comes back. I wonder who he is. Who am I?" The poor man scratched his head and tried to remember.
Meanwhile Thomas was exploring further on in the Dungeons. Here the dust lay thick and undisturbed. Bertram had not come this far. He had probably seen or heard the magician and fled. All the cells appeared to be empty. Thomas was about to give up the search when he came to the last door of all, right at the end of the passageway. He tried the handle. It turned but the door would not open. It was locked. Thomas sniffed and caught a whiff of fish mixed in with rotting seaweed. It smelt like the beach did when you kicked over the piles of stuff thrown up by the high tide, after it has dried out in the sun for a few months. He put his ear to the keyhole and listened. A weird bubbling, gurgling sound came through. It sounded like the great kettle boiling away in the kitchen, mixed in with the snores of the cook who spent the afternoons sleeping in front of the fire.
Chapter Two
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It was a long way from the Dungeons to the throne room and Thomas was very much out of breath when he arrived, so he could only stand and gasp when he went in. King Oswald stared at him.
After several deep gulps Thomas at last could speak. "Sire, I beg to report, there is a Dragon in the Dungeons."
"Very good Thom.......................WHAT!" King Oswald sat up straight.
"A dragon, Sire!" Thomas repeated.
"Are you sure?" The King asked.
Thomas described what he had seen.
"But this is terrible, "exclaimed the King.”What am I going to do? It will destroy the Castle and my kingdom. It might even eat me!" He slumped on the throne moaning quietly and wringing his hands.
Queen Jessamy, who had been sat quietly knitting came over and took charge, as she usually did when there was an emergency.
"Send for the Captain of the Guard" she ordered. Then quietly to Thomas she added, “The Field Marshall is not going to be much use I fear.”
Since there was no one else to do it, Thomas had to run down into the town to find the Captain.
By the time he arrived Oswald had recovered a little from his panic. "Ah, Captain Smirke, there appears to be a dragon in the Dungeons. Call out your men and deal with it, there's a good chap."
"Yes sire," The Captain of the guard saluted and half turned to go. He stopped and turned back. "Did you say Dragon sire?"
"Yes, I did," Oswald snapped. "Now jump to it, or whatever it is you military men do."
The Captain of the Guard did not jump to it. He stood still, obviously deep in thought, his lips moving slightly as if he was reading from something only he could see.
"Well, man what is it?" Oswald was getting impatient.
"I am very sorry, Sire, but my contract says that I am to defend the Kingdom from invasion by enemy soldiers. There is no mention of dealing with dragons."
"Are you refusing to fight the dragon?" Oswald asked.
"I am afraid so, sire," replied the soldier.
"You are removed from your command." Oswald was very angry.
"Thank-you!" said the ex Captain of the guard and left the room.
"Now what do we do?" Oswald asked plaintively.
"We issue a proclamation," said the Queen
"Saying what?"
"Whosoever rids the kingdom of the dragon will be rewarded with half the kingdom," she replied.
"Here, hang on minute. The place is not that big without giving half of it away," protested Oswald
"Then it has to be the other one then, “replied the Queen. "Whosoever rids the kingdom if the dragon shall be rewarded with the hand of the Princess Jasmine in marriage."
"That's better," said the King
He hobbled over to his desk and wrote out the proclamation. Thomas was sent to take it to the printers with orders for a hundred copies to be posted up in all the neighbouring kingdoms. Thomas, not being able to read did not know what the proclamation was about. When he returned to the Castle he met Princess Jasmine coming out of the throne room in tears.
"I do not want to marry someone just because they can use a sword and kill a dragon," she sniffed.
Thomas did not understand what she meant until she explained. He too was upset. He and the princess had been friends for a long time. He did not want her to marry a stranger, unless she wanted to.
He had little time to do more than offer sympathy before he had to go and carry out his duties.
Next morning there was a thunderous knocking on the Castle gates. Thomas, as the only one available had to leave Princess Jasmine making the king's breakfast and answer it. He swung open the heavy door. In the doorway stood the biggest, broadest, strongest looking man he had ever seen.
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"Fear, not, your troubles are at an end. I Sir Roger will defeat the dragon and save you from its fiery destruction."
The knight had a loud booming voice to match his physical size. Behind this knight was a slight figure, richly dressed in brightly coloured clothes. He removed his feathered had with a flourish and bowed low.
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"Sir Cedric at your service," he said.
"Be so good as to escort us to King Oswald."
Thomas moved to one side and allowed them to enter. He was about to close the door when a third, rather chubby person came puffing up the path. He arrived, red faced and panting.
"The horses would not cross the Causeway to the Castle," He grumbled. It is a long way to walk too." He took a deep breath and went on. "Prince Bombo at your service."
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Sir Roger snorted. "Fat oaf"
Prince Bombo ignored the insult. "I thought I saw your horses on the road."
Cedric bowed low. "Good day to you Prince Bombo, how pleasant to see you again, all of you indeed. Just a flying visit, one hopes?"
"I have come to rid the Castle of this Dragon and marry the princess," announced the Prince ignoring the other two.
"Ha!" snorted Sir Roger, who seemed to have a poor opinion of the latest arrival.
Thomas led the three men to the throne room, announced them and returned to making the breakfast. King Oswald was forced into being polite and he was not finding it very easy. Thomas brought in the tray and was sent for more, so the visitors could join the king.
When he had served them Thomas remembered about the Magician and went to see if he could rescue him from the Nurse. In the Magician's room he found some clothes, made a neat parcel of them and took them down to the old Nursery. Nurse was away, looking for a cuddly toy. The poor magician was lying in a cot.
Thomas had to laugh, the cot was not big enough and the poor man had to lie curled up. He was wearing a frilly nightie and a blue night cap. Swallowing his giggles Thomas gave the man his clothes. When the magician was dressed they fled to the Magician's room in the Tower. They leant, panting, against the locked door.
"That woman is impossible!" said the Magician. "You have no idea. Now what can I do for you?"
Thomas said, "What do you know about Dragons?" Quickly he explained all that had happened and about the three adventurers in the throne room.
"Let me see. I am sure there was a book about Dragons somewhere in here." He went to a shelf and took down a book called "Dragons. Truths and Myths.” He opened it and read out the first part.
"There are three types of Dragon. Royal Dragons which the most rare, Mountain Dragons, which are the type most commonly met and Sea dragons. These rarely come to shore. There are many myths................" The Magicians voice trailed off. I will have to read this through, but which kind do we have here, do you think?"
Thomas shook his head. "I only saw one leg and that was big," said Thomas.
"Any smell of smoke?" The Magician asked.
"The only smell down there was of dead fish and rotting seaweed." Thomas said.
The Magician scratched his head, "Well until we know for sure, we have to assume the worse. And anyway it does not matter all dragons are very hard to kill. That is only done by Saints, very brave knights and the occasional lucky squire."
“Cannot you use some magic against it?" Thomas wanted to know.
"Sorry, no. Dragons of all kinds are immune to magic. They are magic you see, so magic has no effect on them. It usually takes a very sharp sword."
Thomas left the room sadly. He wandered down the stairs to the Dungeons. He did not really know what he was going to do, but Princess Jasmine would not be happy married to any one of those three.
The smell of rotting fish was even stronger now. The little door was partly open. Thomas stuck his head round it. He found himself looking into a pale yellow eye. It stared unblinkingly at him. He swallowed nervously and tried to run. His legs would not obey. The Dragon spoke.
"Good morning, or at least I assume it is morning, it is difficult to tell down here."
"Er, good morning." Thomas stammered in reply. He had expected the dragon to eat him or breathe flames at him, not be polite.
The dragon went on." I saw you yesterday, but you left before I could speak. I was hoping you would return, you look like a sensible boy and I need your help."
Thomas was even more surprised. Dragons did not ask for help from kitchen boys, at least they did not in any stories he had ever heard.
"You won't eat me, will you?" Thomas was still very wary.
"The great big yellow eye opened even wider and Thomas could have sworn a look of pain crossed it.
The dragon sounded upset when it answered. "What an awful thing to accuse anybody of doing," it said with a shudder. The smell of rotting fish got stronger.
"Well, some dragons are supposed to eat people," said Thomas in a bit of a huff.
"I know they do," said the beast. "Some people kill other people, but one does not go around accusing all people of being murderers just because of that, does one?"
"No, I suppose not," Thomas said slowly.
The dragon gave a loud sniff. "And anyway it is only rogue mountain dragons who occasionally eat people and usually only when they are too old to hunt any more."
Thomas asked cautiously. "Well, what kind of dragon are you and what do you eat then?"
"I am a Sea dragon and we eat seaweed, luscious lovely green seaweed with just a little red on the side.......Oh, but please do not talk about food. I haven't eaten for 100 years and I am starving." It heaved a great big sigh and for a moment Thomas found himself choking on the smell of rotting fish. At least now he knew where that was coming from.
"Why have you not eaten for one hundred years?" Thomas was beginning to lose some of his fear.
"Well, you see we dragons tend to sleep for a hundred years at a time and I may have over slept a little," explained the creature. "When I woke up just now, I find some careless person has built a castle round me"
"Why did they not see you when they built the Castle?"
"When I am asleep I look just like the rocks, clever really and a lot safer, usually," the dragon went on, "Now I am stuck and I cannot get down to the sea shore to eat. As you can see I am starting to go blue. When I am blue all over I shall die." A large tear rolled down its cheek and splashed on the floor. It reeked of rotting seaweed. Thomas leapt back.
"Sorry!" apologised the dragon. "I really should not feel sorry for myself. Now can you help?"
"I'll try, but what can I do?" asked Thomas.
"Get me out of here," said the Dragon.
"Why not just knock the wall down. Surely you are strong enough for that," suggested Thomas.
The dragon sighed. "Well, yes I am strong enough, but you see when they built the Castle, they built the wall right across the end of my tail and it is stuck. I can wriggle it a bit, but every time I do I hear the most awful crashing noises. I shout "Excuse me," before I do it and "Sorry" afterwards. I feel awful breaking up people’s houses like that."
"I suppose so," agreed Thomas.
The dragon sniffed and another smelly tear splashed down. "I wish I had never left home," it said.
“The Magician said that Sea dragons are only ever seen at sea. Why DID you leave?" Thomas was curious.
"It is Grandfather's fault really. You see he snores and when he snores nobody sleeps," said the Dragon. "The Royal dragons on the next islands used to get really upset about it and they threatened to burn us out. So, as the youngest and best flier I was sent to see the Witch of the Dark Forest for a cure for Grandpa's snoring."
"Bad is it?" Thomas asked
"Have you ever stood on the battlements and listened to a thunderstorm in the distance and seen lightening flashes, and thought it was a storm at sea, but then wondered because it never arrives on shore?"
Thomas nodded.
"Well, that is Grandfather snoring and the Royal dragons getting upset about it and breathing flames into the air."
"Did the Witch give you anything?"
"Oh, yes, it is here in this pouch." The dragon lifted a wing and showed Thomas a pouch. "There is a bottle of stuff in here which she guarantees will work."
"I did not think the Witch helped any one," said Thomas.
"When she gets a dragon scale and a piece of Dragon claw in return, she helps" replied the Dragon.
"Well, I hope it works," said Thomas.
"Oh, it does. I tried some before I fell asleep here and I never woke myself up once which is what I used to do. We all snore you see, family problem."
Then a thought struck Thomas. "Oh dear."
Upstairs there were three men who had come to kill the dragon. He felt rather sorry for the creature. After all it was not its fault that the Castle had been built on its tail. Quickly he explained to the Dragon.
"Oh dear," exclaimed the dragon. "Well I won't fight. I refuse to fight anybody. It is not in my nature to fight. I am against violence."
"Could you not make an exception this time?" Thomas asked. He rather liked the thought of seeing those three fleeing in terror.
"No, positively not, never. You will have to protect me."
"Thank you very much," said Thomas.
"My pleasure!" said the Dragon graciously.
"That is not what..............Oh never mind. I will see what I can do."
"You, I er, hesitate to ask, could not manage a little seaweed, could you, even a small handful? No, I suppose not, silly of me to ask never mind, it is not that important really." The Dragon sounded very sad.
"I will try," promised Thomas.