The Ideas Genie Community Forum

General Category => Garden Funnies => Topic started by: ideasguy on April 23, 2008, 05:12:55 PM

Title: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on April 23, 2008, 05:12:55 PM

Toby (bossgard) emails regularly, and often has me in stitches with his humour.
Yesterday, he suggested we have a board on the forum where we can post our jokes.

I asked Kathy and Laurie to have a think about how and where the board should go on the forum, and critically, what to call it.
Many thanks to Kathy for coming up with the title Garden funnies  8)
Description -----------  "For the strange, amazing and 'laugh-out-loud' moments in the garden."

OK, Toby (and all other members of course) - go for it!! Lets have that gem you sent last night  ;D

Be sure to visit regularly to get a laugh!

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on April 23, 2008, 05:52:56 PM

OK, I'll start out:  Daffy definition:  GARDENING: the art of killing weeds and bugs to grow flowers and crops for animals and birds to eat. (I've got lots of them, do you want more?)
    - Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on April 23, 2008, 07:02:38 PM

Yes Toby, keep them coming - that's great.  8)

Okay, we've had some funny words from Toby so now it's my turn to contribute a picture this time.

The tomato below was given to me by my mother-in-law last summer, grown lovingly.

Trust me, honestly, I have not altered this photo in any way.  ;D

Laurie.

(http://www.pixiemouse.com/IdeasGenie_Forum/tomato2.jpg)

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on April 24, 2008, 03:38:45 AM

I think that this is the 'gem' that George wants me to post. It is one of my favorites too. Laugh Out Loud!

Daffy definition #2: "APHID: Insect pest which inphests gardens and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their pheet, and utter phour-letter words. "

Credit where credit is due. All the daffy definitions that I will post will be the words of Henry Beard and Roy McKie, authors of a book bearing the title as appears in my first posting with the definition of 'Gardening'. I'm sure that they would want me to share them with you!

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on April 24, 2008, 11:00:15 AM

Yes, thats the one Toby

Going back one, "Love" that tomato, Kathy and Laurie- wonderful what TLC can produce  ;D

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on April 25, 2008, 04:00:40 AM

OK, George, since you liked the Daffy Definition #2 about the APHID, you will undoubtedly like this one, too.

Daffy Definition #3:  DELPH: Abbrv fr ?delphinium,? lg shwy prennl w bl flrs. Othr cmmn abbrvs incl ?mum,? ?snap,? ?daff,? n ?glad.? If u cn rd ths dfntn, u cn gt a gd jb at a nrsry. ? H.B. & R. McK.

You should have seen SPELL CHECK ?light up? on that one.

That will have to do you for the weekend. Be back next week to help you and others learn about how to tell an ANNUAL from a PERENNIAL. Also, the main basics of GARDEN FERTILIZERS, how to tell what kind of SOILS you have, and something that everyone should know about their favorite NURSERY.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on April 25, 2008, 06:14:13 AM

Quote from: bossgard on April 25, 2008, 04:00:40 AM

Daffy Definition #3:  DELPH: Abbrv fr ?delphinium,? lg shwy prennl w bl flrs. Othr cmmn abbrvs incl ?mum,? ?snap,? ?daff,? n ?glad.? If u cn rd ths dfntn, u cn gt a gd jb at a nrsry. ? H.B. & R. McK.

********** SPOILER - DON'T READ MY POST UNTIL YOU'VE TRIED THIS DEFINITION YOURSELF **************

I'll give it a go.

DELPH:  Abbreviation for "delphinium," long showy perennial with blue flowers.  Other common abbreviations include, mum (not sure of that one), snapdragon, daffodil, gladioli.  If you can read this definition, you can get a good job at a nursery.

How did I do Toby.  Do I get the job.  ;)

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on April 25, 2008, 10:57:47 AM

Meatloaf said "2 out of 3 ain't bad"
Not so sure about 3 out of 4 though  ;D
Clue? Think about Aunth-mum  :)
We'll see what the "Boss" says  ;)

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on April 25, 2008, 11:07:13 AM

Quote from: ideasguy on April 25, 2008, 10:57:47 AM

Clue? Think about Aunth-mum  :)

Darn it George, Kathy's not here at the moment so I can't cheat.  ::)

I still don't know what it is. Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on April 25, 2008, 12:42:33 PM

Chrysanthemum .......... ::)

sheesh men..

Kathy :-*

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on April 25, 2008, 12:49:30 PM

Careful now... Boss mightn't give you the job!

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on April 25, 2008, 05:57:01 PM

Seems to me that we?re getting into a squabble over there.  Cut it out, we?re supposed to be a peaceful Community, otherwise the neighbors will gossip.

I wouldn?t be too anxious about this job in this nursery, on this piece of land it?s all voluntary. No money changes hands, and you even have to bring your own lunch and provide your own transportation. Bring you own shovel and rake too, no tools furnished. The last workers I had ran away with mine. Can?t understand that!

Kathy has it right!

Just for that she get?s an extra Daffy Definition:

Daffy Definition #4: TOMATO: This universally appreciated garden vegetable provides a fascinating demonstration of the biological ?clocks? that all plants possess. Regardless of when tomatoes are planted, they will all become synchronized, mysteriously producing a gigantic crop of ripe fruit within a few hours of one another. This process can be triggered by ?packing? ? a method that entails making noisy and highly visible preparations for a trip, culminating in a dramatic ?departure.? The fruit will turn red and begin dropping to the ground within 15 to 20 minutes, and the harvest can usually begin after a few leisurely spins around the block. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on April 29, 2008, 04:17:29 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #5!

Back to the Gardening Classroom to get a very basic Gardening Education about ANNUALS and PERENNIALS.

STUDENTS PAY ATTENTION!

ANNUAL: Any plant that dies before blooming. See PERENNIAL.

PERENNIAL:  Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after year.
See ANNUAL.  ?  H.B. & R. McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on April 30, 2008, 03:44:51 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #6:

GARDEN FERTILIZER: The feeding of plants is a complicated and quite technical procedure, but the few essential facts about fertilizers can be quickly mastered. Just remember the numbers 3-2-5. They refer to: the three basic types ? messy, stinky, and messy/stinky; the two sizes they are available in ? tidbit (4 ounce packet) and blammo (220-pound sack); and the five methods of application ? too much, too little, too early, too late, and wrong kind. ?  H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 01, 2008, 03:56:58 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #7

SOILS: There are basically three kinds of soil: sandy, clay, and loamy-muddy. How can you tell which type you have? Ask one of your children or a neighbor?s child to come over and play in your yard. Inspect the results. Is it a castle, a tasteful little ashtray, or a messy mud pie? That?s really all there is to it. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 02, 2008, 03:56:09 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #8:

NURSERY: The only known place where money grows on trees.
-H.B. & R.McK.

Will have more DAFFY DEFINITIONS next week! Words like VERMICULITE, RANUNCULUS, CULTIVATION and INSECT!
   - Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 05, 2008, 04:12:23 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #9

VERMICULITE: Obscure order of nuns dedicated to gardening. Like other devotional orders, the sisters take the traditional vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience, but in keeping with the demanding nature of their calling, the Vermiculites are the only such group with special dispensation to drink, smoke, swear, and throw things. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Sounds like they?re like most gardeners I know. Even me. (But I quit smoking long time ago.) - Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 06, 2008, 04:03:02 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #10

RANUNCLULUS: Third brother of Romulus and Remus. According to Roman legend, while his siblings were taken in and cared for by a she-wolf, Ranunculus was raised by buttercups. The shepherd who found Romulus and Remus stepped on Ranunculus, killing him instantly. ? H.B. & R.McK. - Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 07, 2008, 03:59:09 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #11

CULTIVATION: The only sure method of removing weeds is by ?working the soil? with fork, spade, or hoe to loosen the roots. With stubborn weeds, however, it?s best to ?live and let live? and simply label the offending plant with its Latin name and modestly accept compliments on its robust growth. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on May 07, 2008, 09:14:04 AM

That labelling program (GA048) is going to be real useful! I must stock up on labelling material  :)
Was that comment sponsored by Avery?

Title: Harlow Carr Gardens, Harrogate, UK
Post by: NightHawk on May 07, 2008, 11:20:38 PM

During our visit to Harlow Carr Gardens on Tuesday last, we couldn't resist sharing the following two photos.

The person who planted these must have been drunk - fancy putting them in upside down.  ;)

(http://www.pixiemouse.com/igforum/DSCN0405_tree-roots.jpg)

In the photo below we haven't got a clue what variety of plants these are on the wooden posts.  Any ideas?  :-\

(http://www.pixiemouse.com/igforum/DSCN0419_wellies.jpg)

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 08, 2008, 03:44:17 AM

George:  Regarding you referencing GA048 in the CULTIVATION Definition, I too, had been thinking about using this ?weed? identification in my own garden. Maybe we can offer a random selection GA048 program for members to use for identifying ?weeds?. That is, you just click on a Latin name that is given on the program that sounds like a good name for the ?weed? and it creates a label automatically. No body will know the difference that visits my yard. Maybe somebody can make up some nice authentic looking and sounding names for us to use.
- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 08, 2008, 03:50:07 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #12

INSECT: Insects are not ?bad? by nature, but they quickly pick up antisocial habits by ?hanging around? with thousands of ?bad eggs? in crowded, dimly lit nests. (In more than one case, irresponsible mothers, or ?queens, ? have been found to have over one million children ? many more than they can care for properly.) It?s a vicious cycle as newly hatched individuals get hooked on ?plant juice? and turn into hardened garden felons. A few groups have tried working with insects. Arthropod House, for example, has had limited success retraining termites to sharpen pencils and has found jobs for some of the smaller flying insects in the circus field, but on the whole the picture is rather bleak.
- H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 09, 2008, 04:17:17 AM

DAFFY DENITION #13

QUINCE: Fruit tree that lent its name to a traditional English garden sport. The game of quince is based on a wager in the late 14th century between the earl of Agway and the bishop of London as to whose gardeners could produce the first ripe quinces of the season to be made into jam for King Henry, who was very fond of the stuff. As it is played today, teams of amateur gardeners simultaneously plant specimens of the tree in barrels in the center of quince court ? a large greenhouse with seating for spectators. The object of the contest is deceptively simple: By careful pruning and the judicious use of precisely measured amounts of water, fertilizer, and plant sprays, to produce the first ripe quince weighing at least 7-1/2 ounces. Modern matches, in a practice much deplored by traditionalists, start with mature trees rather than seed and last about 200 days, compared to the four or more years of the prewar tussles. Attendance is generally spotty after the colorful opening ceremonies, but there are always a few people on hand to cry ?good wood? when a particularly well-though-out bit of pruning is executed with a nice flourish of the shears. In the final week, the betting ? not encouraged ? is stiff, the tension is high, and the stands are packed as the judges begin to apply their scales to the larger fruits. And, of course, it is difficult to convey the excitement and the sheer drama in the center quince court at Kew in late September as the head judge plucks the winning fruit, mashes it with an ironwood gavel, and declares it ?fit and worthy for His Majesty?s muffins.?
- H.B. & R.McK.

Sounds like fun to watch!  Anything like this going on at Chelsea, George?

That?s all for this week, next week we will learn about how Hollyhocks help you in the garden and how Espalier began.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on May 10, 2008, 01:58:18 PM

RE:

Quote

Anything like this going on at Chelsea, George?

I'm sure the tour guide will already be aware of such an important event.  ;D

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 12, 2008, 03:32:52 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #14

HOLLYHOCK: Tall flowering plant that has been nicknamed ?the gardener?s barometer? since it records high winds by falling over and breaking off near the ground, very heavy rain by losing all its blossoms, and the presence of Japanese beetles and the caterpillar stage of the rare painted-lady butterfly by disappearing entirely. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on May 12, 2008, 10:40:53 AM

Hey, they missed the most common attribute - the ability to indicate rust fungi

Heres a good link:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/gqt/fsheets/02_06_02/fsheetsq10.shtml

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on May 12, 2008, 10:58:48 AM

Still haven't received any suggestions for names of the upside down tree and rubber plants in Harlow Carr gardens photos above.  :(

Must have everyone 'stumped  :D  (Pun intended.)

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 13, 2008, 04:13:53 AM

Laurie:
  Re: The rather large upright specimens that you photographed when you visited Harlow Carr Gardens are, I believe, a variety of tree know as the ?Bare-Bottom? Tree, if they still had the root ball covering on them, then they would be called the ?Diapered Bare-Bottom? Tree. I?m not too sharp on this Taxonomy stuff, but I believe this to be correct.

The other mystery photo must show some rare specimens of the Rubber Tree Family, but I am not sure if they can be classified as part of the ?Wellies? family or not? They might be left over from a photo shoot that BBC?s Magazine, GARDENS ILLUSTRATED, Issue #131, that?s dated for November 2007, did on pages 48-53. If you can get a copy of the magazine, it is well worth taking a look at, I thought it was a beautiful work of art and of merchandising!
   - Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 13, 2008, 04:20:11 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #15

BEE: Generic name of any of a number of stinging insects, most commonly the honeybee. Contrary to popular belief, bees almost never sting, unless they are mating, feeding, resting, swarming, leaving the hive, or returning to the hive. -- H.B. & R.McK.
- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on May 13, 2008, 06:11:06 AM

Great detective work there Toby - you could be spot on.  :P

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 14, 2008, 03:37:22 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #16

ESPALIER: A method of training trees into rigid patterns by tying their branches to wires. Now a formal gardening technique, it had its beginnings in the 14th century during one of the lengthy, polite, and nearly bloodless wars of the era of chivalry. During the investiture of Dijon in 1374, Louis IX created ?Les Espaliers du Roi,? a crack body of gardeners who planted young saplings along one wall of the besieged town. By the early fall of 1388, Louis? men were able to clamber easily up the ladderlike limbs and capture the city. The event marked the first appearance of organic gardening methods, since the Dijonnais had regularly pelted the Espaliers with garbage during their patient work, and the resulting compost appears to have produced, ironically, vastly improved growth. It?s worth mentioning in passing that the last stand of the Espaliers ? by then a purely ceremonial unit ? occurred in 1789, when thirty of the valiant soldier-gardeners attempted to stop the rampaging mobs menacing Versailles by planting thorny rosebushes in their path. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 15, 2008, 03:41:38 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #17

VEGETABLE: Many individuals are reluctant to raise animals for food, dreading as they do the inevitable emotional turmoil that accompanies the conversion of a pet into lunch. With members of the vegetable kingdom, it is easier to avoid attachments, but for the truly squeamish the harvest can be a trying experience. Here are a few hints that will make it easier to bear: Never talk to a plant you intend to eat; when digging up potatoes, avoid eye contact; do not pet soft-headed vegetables like lettuce and cabbage; don?t give melons and pumpkins names; and always apply fertilizer with a mechanical dispenser rather than by the hand. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 16, 2008, 03:43:14 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #18

TOOLS: Gardeners have long recognized that tools have a distinct life cycle just like anything else in the garden: active phase (1-12 weeks), marked by the appearance of telltale blisters on the hands and/or bruises on the legs of the user; metamorphosis phase (12-14 weeks), during which the handle suddenly breaks at the point where it is joined to the metal working end; and dormant phase (14 weeks--20 years), spent by the two halves of the tool resulting from metamorphosis, usually in a dark corner of a shed. ? H.B. & R.McK.

That?s all for this week, next week we will work with the words NARCISSUS, STAKE, COMPOST and HOSE and several more!

George, hope you enjoy yourself next week when you are on your planned trip to the Chelsea Flower Show and the various garden tours you have scheduled. I, for one, am looking forward to hearing all about them and seeing the pictures that you will have taken with your new camera!
- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on May 16, 2008, 09:59:26 AM

Thanks Toby - preparations have started for the trip. I'm really looking forward to it.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 19, 2008, 03:28:28 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #19

HOSE: Crude, but effective and totally safe type of scythe towed through gardens to flatten flower beds and level vegetable plantings. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 20, 2008, 03:44:33 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #20

COMPOST: Gardeners are generally quite pleasant individuals, but they often become unnecessarily graphic when discussing the constituents of the detritus of which their compost heaps are composed. This can be annoying and disturbing for the houseguest, visitor, or dining companion, but it does carry with it the hidden bonus that the usual house gift of flowers, pastry, or wine can be dispensed with in favor of a bag of potato skins, some eggshells, or the contents of a recently cleaned cat box. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(These daffy definitions were originally published in 1982, I believe that using the ?contents of a recently cleaned cat box? in your compost is a ?no-no? nowadays! ? Toby)

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 21, 2008, 03:44:19 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #21

STAKE: Hard, somewhat tasteless garden product that generally constitutes the bulk of the harvest after visits by raccoons, groundhogs, rabbits, birds, squirrels, and deer. H.B. &  R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 22, 2008, 03:57:52 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #22

NARCISSUS: Wonderful, early-blooming flower with an unsatisfactory plural form. Botanists have been searching for a suitable ending for years, but their attempts ? narcissi (1947), narcissuses (1954), narcissus for both singular and plural (1958), and multinarcissus and polynarcissus (1962, 1963) ? haven?t enjoyed any real acceptance, and thus, gardeners still prefer to plant the easily pluralized daffodil or jonquil. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 23, 2008, 03:48:29 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #23

HYDRANGEA: Strange behavior observed in gardeners during periods of heavy rainfall. Symptoms include obsessive tool care, irrational mail order purchases, the neurotic sorting of seed packets, and buying alcoholic beverages by the case. H.B. & R.McK.

Next week we will take a look at words such as POTATO, HEELING IN, WEED, TULIP and ANEMONE.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 28, 2008, 04:00:05 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #24

DAMN ANEMONE: Perennial herb imn the buttercup fanimly with amn extremenely amnoying mname. -- H.B. & R.McK.

Let?s do  another one, and make up for not having one for you on Monday, which was our Memorial Day, a national holiday for us here in the States. The weather was real nice, and got me outside in the garden.  - Toby

DAFFY DEFINITION #25

WEED: Any plant that will survive at least one week without being watered, fertilized, pruned, sprayed, staked, mulched, misted, dusted, or wrapped in burlap, paper, or plastic. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 29, 2008, 03:45:47 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #26

HEELING IN: Method of temporarily planting dormant rooted plants by placing them in a shallow trench dug with the back of the foot, then covering the roots with dirt. This technique suffers from the disadvantage that plants that are heeled in are more likely to die then those which are immediately planted in deep holes, but this drawback is more than compensated for by the ease with which they are disposed of when they do die. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on May 30, 2008, 03:54:19 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #27

TULIP: Dutch blight second only to Dutch elm disease in severity. It affects most gardeners in late summer when it turns crisp green currency into shriveled brown bulbs that appear suddenly in mailboxes in early September. The only effective control method is to destroy the colorful pamphlets that spread the disease as soon as they appear. Under no circumstances should they be opened. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(And I had one of those colorful pamphlets in my mail the other day, and I opened it! What do I do now? If I burn it right now, will I be saved? I think I might have caught the disease though, I?ve got eye-strain from reading the descriptions and headaches from the decisions!) - Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 02, 2008, 03:49:29 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #28 & #29

POTATO: The ideal vegetable. Potatoes are not bitter, not stringy, not pulpy, not sour, and not gritty. They are also, not green, so tiresome nutritionists will say they are not ?good? for you, but after all they are vegetables, not some sort of candy (although some of the sweet varieties can be easily transformed into something quite like a dessert). And boiling isn?t the only thing you can do with them ? they can be fried, baked, roasted, creamed, hash-browned, mashed and rissoléed. Incredibly, they are even tasty served as a salad. And, best of all, since potatoes of excellent quality are available the year round at very reasonable prices, there is absolutely no reason whatever to grow them ? in fact, there is a very good reason not to.

POTATO BEETLE: The very good reason not to. ? H.B. & R.McK>

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 03, 2008, 03:55:07 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #30

BUGS: There are a variety of methods of controlling insects, but ? let?s be honest ? they just don?t work. Why not ?rock with the punch? so to speak and establish an insect garden? Although a bed of slugs or a curving border of shimmering Japanese beetles may not be as spectacular as more traditional plants, and a centerpiece of grubs and larvae on the dining table might be a little alarming, you will have the piece of mind that comes from never having to worry that a sudden infestation of cabbages will kill your prize loopers, or that radishes will attach your thrips, or that a peach tree will get your borers. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on June 03, 2008, 05:22:45 PM

Oooooooooh!  Loopers, thrips and borers - they sound nasty.  :o

All I can say is - hang on to your Hollyhocks.  :D

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 04, 2008, 03:46:28 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #31

FLUORESCENT LIGHT: You can grow plants under ordinary office-type fluorescent lights, but be warned ? they are likely to develop odd habits: They will bloom only from about 9:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M.; they will require a powerful mulch of paper, ashes, and coffee grounds; they will tend to cluster around water supplies, the plant heads will generally turn toward any windows or clocks and begin to droop around 3:00 P.M.; and none of the plants will ever blossom or produce any fruit. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 05, 2008, 04:24:20 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #32

BOTANICAL NOMENCLATURE: The system currently in use for naming plants is based on one devised by a Swedish botanist known variously as Carl Linne, Carl von Linne, and Carolus Linnaeus, whose confusion over his own name has unfortunately extended to his system. The initial two words under the Linneaean system are always Latin. (Ideally, they shouldn?t ?give away? what the plant is or be easy to say or spell ? that spoils the fun!) Thus, if some horticultural investigator turned up a new thick-stemmed orchid Chyrrhaemzygophylla braeiourhynspsia, which may be abbreviated to C. braeiourhynspia. (Plants are sometimes named after their discoverer, but the authorities responsible for the designations are reluctant to do this unless the botanist to be honored has a very peculiar name, like O?Clytemnestra or Ffrench-Turpsichert.) Following these two Latin words, a third sometimes appears indicating the variety of the plant if it has some particular quality others lack, as for example, that it is unusually difficult to grow (irascibilia), has a noticeable odor (phooeyii), or looks like something fell on it (obliterata). Now, if a particular specimen develops, say brilliant red blossoms instead of the tiny white ones it displays in the wild, it might be further qualified as a cultivar and have an additional epithet, preceded by the letters c.v. like ?Carmine Miranda.? Many nurseries contribute to the confusion by applying their own names to the plants, like ?Flame of the Amazon ? Rarest Orchid in the World!? or ?Cobra Breath ? Snatched from the Jaws of South American Serpents!? and as a result most gardeners rely on the simpler Universal Plant Identification Code, under with C. braeiourhynspsia is ?That Thick-stemmed Orchid with Flowers Shaped Like a Shoe in the Green Pot.? ? H.B. & McK.

What a mess that is to text! My italics didn't carry over from Word to the Forum, you are going to have to imagine where they occur. - Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 06, 2008, 04:17:19 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #33:

PEACHES AND PEARS: Everyone loves these trees, both for their fragrant flowers and their delicious fruit, but, alas, they are both afflicted with hundreds of diseases and disorders, including trunk drool, root slobber, bark slime, stemdrizzle, mush wood, limbsludge, twigfuzz, craptip, crud leaf, petal smudge, sprout droop, munge, dampcurl, bud custard, splotchblossom, devil?s whiskers, lobe dropsy, creeping dinge, gray gange, bunkle, sperl, flenge, munge, morbisy, and snet. The only practical preventive measure is to dispose of the young plants immediately by burning or burying. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 09, 2008, 03:42:33 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #34

SPRINKLER: Adjustable rotary irrigation device, typically with two settings: ?Drool,? which creates a puddle of water 6 inches deep in a circle about a yard in diameter, and ?Monsoon,? which propels a high-velocity water jet into the woods, the garage, your automobile, and the street. ? H.B. & R. McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 10, 2008, 03:41:28 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #35

GREENHOUSE: Many people have found that a greenhouse provides a solace in our increasingly difficult world. A mean-spirited employer, a shrewish spouse, a persistent creditor, a meddlesome in-law ? they all seem to disappear as the happy gardener putters around among his oleanders, nightshade, mistletoe, mandrake, hemlock, and foxglove, diligently crushing the glossy leaves and brightly colored berries to produce the jams and jellies for which he is justly noted or selecting from among his orchids, jasmine, camellias, and gardenias a few blossoms for the tasteful funeral sprays that garner him so much praise. In time, magically, his problems fade away, and he is left in tranquil solitude surrounded by his generous and uncomplaining botanical companions. ? H.B. & R. McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 11, 2008, 05:00:13 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #36

ROOT: 1. Subsurface part of a weed that is inadvertently left in the ground when the upper portion of the plant is removed, thus resulting in the weed?s speedy re-growth. 2. Subsurface part of an ornamental, or tree, a small portion of which is inadvertently left in the ground when the specimen is transplanted, thus resulting in the plant?s rapid death.?H.B. & R. & McK.

- Toby 

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 12, 2008, 03:35:24 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #37

BORDER: Strip of ground that divides the area where the shrubs were from the place where the lawn will be with a neat row of plastic markers indicating where the flowers would have been. ? H.B. & R. McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 13, 2008, 05:55:42 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #38

ROOF GARDEN: Garden on a penthouse or terrace of an urban apartment. Because of increasingly harsh conditions in most cities, the only reliable products of roof gardens are the common house leak (Gypsum dicoloratum) and the resulting rhubarb with the neighbor below. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 16, 2008, 05:54:28 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #39

HERBS: Widely grown and valuable plants useful as flavorings and preservatives. It?s hard to agree on the most popular, but certainly a good candidate is sweet basil. The best-known variety is Rathbone basil, or wild Sherlock, a highly aromatic plant on the basis of a very small whiff of whose pungent, peppery odor expelled from the oral cavity during a speech, mingled with a hint of garlic, it is possible to deduce that the interlocutor has recently eaten Italian potato dumplings in small cellar restaurant with a picture of the Bay of  Naples on the wall. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 17, 2008, 04:39:35 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #40

KEY: 1. Light, wing-shaped fruit from maple trees which, when dropped on the ground and buried under a shallow layer of soil, results in a new tree. 2. Light brass or steel object which, when dropped on the ground and buried under a shallow layer of soil, results in a new padlock, a new hasp, and some new window glass. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 18, 2008, 03:58:04 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #41

IMPATIENS: Fast-blooming flower. Plant it. Water it. It grows, it blooms. Bango, it makes seeds. It wilts. It dies. No hanging around for dirty tubers to form. No years of waiting for showy growth, fancy fruit. You got time on your hands, plant an acorn and lay in some Proust. You want quick results, impatiens is your baby. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on June 18, 2008, 09:29:06 AM

Hooray!
Its great to see those guys have discovered that gardening is not an impossibility after all. Nice to see they have managed to grow at least ONE plant  :D
Can we optimistically predict that the book has a happy ending?

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 19, 2008, 04:24:32 AM

George: From what I can tell, the two gardener authors have a very happy ending to their book. I took a peak, and they do get to the letter ?Z?.  And I have also been told, that their respective gardens survived the whole ordeal of them writing the book, and remnants of both gardens still exist today and are open to the general public to enjoy the rare specimens of Impatiens that they grew.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 19, 2008, 04:27:15 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #42

SUNDIAL: Ornamental garden clock that indicates the time by means of a shadow cast by a pointer onto a dial marked with numerals. Most sundials have inscriptions: The common ones are ?Make Haste While the Sun Shines,? ?Tempus Fugit.? and ?Out of Order? ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 20, 2008, 03:58:40 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #43

DOWSING: The use of a forked twig, brass rod, or other objects to locate and obtain sources of money from individuals who believe that sources of water can be located and obtained through the use of a forked twig, brass rod, or other object. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 23, 2008, 05:02:18 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #44

ROTARY MOWER: Gasoline-powered metal detector used to locate misplaced trowels, shears, and hose nozzles in tall grass. The machine indicates a ?contact? by giving off a loud WHINNNNG! sound, and then immediately stalling. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 24, 2008, 03:46:58 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION: #45

BERRY: Small fruit produced by a variety of flowering bushes and shrubs, some wild, some cultivated. Most are edible and delicious, but a few are extremely toxic. How can you tell them apart? There is an easy rule of thumb: Look for telltale ?clustering? in a pale green or gray cardboard box with a cellophane covering and a distinctive reddish rubber band. Berries with those features are always safe to eat. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on June 24, 2008, 05:20:50 PM

Quote from: bossgard on June 23, 2008, 05:02:18 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #44

ROTARY MOWER: Gasoline-powered metal detector used to locate misplaced trowels, shears, and hose nozzles in tall grass. The machine indicates a “contact” by giving off a loud WHINNNNG! sound, and then immediately stalling. – H.B. & R.McK.
- Toby

Well, we got a new electric-powered cylinder mower delivered today.  Our previous mower was an electric hover type, and it blew all the grass cuttings into our beautiful borders.  It was a nightmare to clear the borders afterwards, and it was driving me nuts.

Took it out for its first 'spin' today on the rear garden and it performed marvellously.

The grass was a bit long as we'd not been able to garden for a few days because of the bad weather.  Didn't find any lost trowels or other gardening implements I'm glad to say.  ;D

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 25, 2008, 03:39:09 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #46

KUDZU: Extraordinarily fast-growing vine accidentally introduced into the U.S., probably from China. There are the inevitable stories of kudzu plants growing in through open windows and suddenly grasping the unwary, but they must be apocryphal. No plant gould possiblgll gckl gng-- -- H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on June 25, 2008, 09:37:21 AM

Gosh, I thought there was a happy ending!!
Have they been consumed by the Kudzu?

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on June 25, 2008, 09:39:30 AM

That plant sounds more like a Triffid to me - scary stuff  :o

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 26, 2008, 03:40:43 AM

DAFFY DEFINTION #47

TOPIARY: The art of pruning and shearing plants so that they resemble animals. It is not as difficult to master as you might think. The key is the choice of subject. Avoid deer, swans, giraffes, and bears. Concentrate your efforts on depicting sponges, porcupines, frightened turtles, and sleeping hedgehogs. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

P.S. Looks like summer has hit the Pacific Northwest (Seattle, WA-USA) this week, have had beautiful sun shiny weather, temperatures predicted for coming weekend are 84-85 degrees F., which is a little on the warm side for us. Irrigation for the gardens is usually necessary. When it hits the 90?s, then we head for cover. Wonder what the temperatures will be for the July 4th (Independence Day) Holiday Weekend? That is THE Summer Holiday for us!

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on June 27, 2008, 03:30:30 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #48

PINKS: A significant group of garden flowers, of which far and away the favorite is Sweet William. Lovers of this old-fashioned beauty will be happy to know that several new varieties are now available, including the rather dull but very hardy ?Agreeable Roger?; the fast-spreading, almost weedlike ?Boring George?; and for sour soils, the sturdy hybrids ?Nasty Frank? and ?Bitchy Susan.? ? H.B. & R. McK.

- Toby

(George, do you suppose H.B. & R.McK., are talking about you in the above.  Do these guys know you? I could see calling a Sweet William ?Agreeable George?, but certainly not ?Boring George?! George Kelly certainly is not BORING, he doesn?t stand still long enough! Hey, Forum members, if we could find a new plant introduction that we can name ?Agreeble George?, what kind of plant should it be?)

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on June 27, 2008, 06:05:21 AM

Well, I could suggest a Lupin.

They stand tall and proud and cope with 'stormy weather' magnificently.

That sounds like George to me.

This suggestion is prompted by the dwarf 'Gallery Yellow' Lupin in our front garden, which I have showcased on the Forum recently, that got through a recent bout of wind and rain and was still looking good -
(see http://www.flowergenie.co.uk/ideas/forum/index.php/topic,654.0.html (http://www.flowergenie.co.uk/ideas/forum/index.php/topic,654.0.html) ).

A good start I think  :D

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on August 02, 2008, 11:04:33 AM

Toby

Just had to let you know that I couldn't wait to hear all of those definitions, so I've managed to acquire a copy of that book you refer to as your source.  ;D

Got it through Amazon.co.uk for 1 penny (plus £2.75 postage), and arrived today.

This is the book cover, which I presume is the same as yours.  ;)

(http://www.pixiemouse.com/igforum/0564_garden-funnies.jpg)

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on August 02, 2008, 05:51:16 PM

In fact Toby, just to keep you company on this, I'll just post this definition which 'tickled my fancy'  :D

SCAB:  Disorder in plants caused by fungi.
SCALD:  Disorder in plants caused by excessive sunlight.
SCALE:  Disorder in plants caused by sucking insects.
SCORCH:  Disorder in plants caused by drought.
SCREAMING MEEMIES:  Disorder in gardeners caused by observing the effects of scab, scald, scale, and scorch.

- Courtesy of: Henry Beard & Roy McKie

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on August 28, 2008, 08:31:23 AM

Toby, Toby, Toby - it's good to have you back with us again on the Forum, you've been greatly missed my friend.

I recalled you'd mentioned a hiking trip a while back, but when you'd dropped off our radar for so long we were getting concerned about you.  Thinking you'd maybe fallen down a sink-hole in the Amazon rain forest, or been kidnapped by Pygmies, and held to ransom for that Daffy Definition book you've been famously connected with.

Thankfully you survived unscathed to tell the tale.

I hope you liked the Daffy Definition I posted.  It was a tribute to your absence and a way of keeping the Daffy's flame kindling.  ;D

Laurie.

P.S. George forwarded your email to me as you requested, which I was so relieved to read.  Glad you had a great time.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on August 28, 2008, 05:11:43 PM

Laurie:

Thanks, for the welcome back, it?s just that with the crazy weather we have been having this past year, something had to give, and I had to stick with the vegetable garden that I share with some of my friends, and now it is producing.
Talking about sinking down in the Amazon rain forest or something like that, the lousy weather we have been having in this part of the planet has been very, very hard on the areas that are open to the public for hiking purposes. Real heavy damages, with trails completely destroyed by snow avalanches, slides of trees and mud from hill sides, flooding, all that kind of stuff. We were heading for an old mining town way up there, and the first thing we came across was a massive mud slide wiping out the trail, they had cut through it, but we went as far as we could go and turned around and came back. As I understand several youths out hiking were caught in another slide in that same area this past week. Danger signs are posted all over the place.
That particular area is known as Issaquah Alps (Cascade Mountain Range, Mount Rainier), which people say reminds them of the Swiss Alps. Have never seen the Swiss Alps, but Issaquah is very, very beautiful.
Since this is a Gardening Forum, I had better say that this lousy weather has certainly wrecked havoc with planting and caring for the vegetable garden, and stopped any plans that I had made for the Flower Beds. The high winds and heavy rain wiped out any good specimens that I had. But all is not lost, it has been a very ?learning? year, and am eager to get back working with the Forum and Pro, need to enter an awful lot of data, but the software has certainly been an asset, and the GA048 that George and I have been working on, has been very successful, what a blessing to have it all. Thanks to you, George, and to you all.
More later.
-Toby
P.S. Today?s weather, cloudy and rain!

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on August 28, 2008, 05:17:47 PM

Thanks for that Toby.

I'm glad you avoided the worst of that carnage.  :o

I thought we were getting lousy weather here, but it pales in comparison to what you've just described.

Anyway, we must all make the best of what we have and take the gardening challenges head on.  ;)

Break yourself in gently Toby, the Forum's just glad to see you back safe and well.  ;D

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 01, 2008, 11:40:11 PM

Laurie: Yes, I will continue with DAFFY DEFINITIONS. The book you purchased from Amazon.com is indeed the correct book. My copy was given to me by a wonderful lady at my business retirement party that I consider a professional friend, whom I first met when she was Director of our local Chamber of Commerce, later she was a local State Representative for two terms, tried running for a County office but was defeated, and is now the Mayor of the city in which I live. You might notice that I will leave out several definitions from the book. They either have racial overtones that should not be used now or have derogatory remarks that were used during World War II. (That will date me!) Let?s try this one:

DAFFY DEFINITION #49

PHILADELPHUS: Large, somewhat featureless white-flowered plant. It only has blossoms for a week, but for some reason it seems more like a month. ? H.B. & R.McK.   

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on September 02, 2008, 06:55:24 AM

Quote from: bossgard on September 01, 2008, 11:40:11 PM

........ You might notice that I will leave out several definitions from the book. They either have racial overtones that should not be used now or have derogatory remarks that were used during World War II. (That will date me!)

Toby, on flicking through the book with this in mind, I can see that you are wise not to use some of them.

In our current state of 'Political Correctness' it is so easy to unintentionally offend someone.

Our Government has gone way overboard on some of the things that they state are inappropriate to say.  I won't give any examples here, but I'm sure you'll know the sorts of things I mean.  :-X

Emails and Forums are a prime example of where the written word can be misinterpreted.

In the case of Forums, the use of the little 'yellow faced' emotive icons are great.  They're very useful to qualify your intended use of a word or phrase, especially for those that could be taken either way.  Some of them are just plain fun to use.  You will notice I make regular use of these icons, but trying not to overuse them, for this very reason.

You will notice that George also makes use of the 'emoticons' (as they are sometimes referred to.)

With George as Forum Administrator, and Kathy and I as Forum Moderators (including 'Greefinger'), members look up to us to set an example of good conduct, to make the Forum environment a pleasant place for everyone to visit.

We need to be careful how we word things so as to not upset anyone.  Most of the time it works great, but being human we can all have our 'lapses' of concentration.  ;)  We hope we have achieved the former.

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 02, 2008, 05:24:54 PM

It's odd but I have never used the 'emotions' yet have noticed your use of them, probably because I don't know what each one means, which is more frightening to me, than the use of actual words. For instance, are you smiling at me because you are pleased and agree, or are you really meaning the opposite and think that what I said is actually stupid? I think the best way to handle it is for one to express himself in words, and if someone has difficutly understanding them or is offended with them be honest and express that emotion in words back. I would want to know, I would not want to offend anybody, anyplace, especially on this Forum.  Mankind could correct a lot of its problems through the use of communication. On this Forum we are brought together in the interest of gardening and the use of gardening softtware, and the whole community is outstanding on both subjects. Did I offend anyone? - Toby
P.S. This whole week is supposed to bring good weather, it is sun-shining now. Wish me luck in taking pictures of my Tuberous Begonias, they are in full bloom now, will try to share with you later.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on September 02, 2008, 05:54:54 PM

Toby, you must really get into the 21st century you know.  :D

There, I've just used a 'Cheesy' grin icon for you.  It was intended to convey a flimsy, poor quality reamrk, but not intended to offend.

When you are creating a message to post, hover your cursor over the little yellow faces.  A little box will appear stating what that icon represents.  If you want to use a particular icon, make sure your typing cursor is at the point of your message where you want to insert it, then click on the little face.  If you preview your message before posting it you can see the actual icon as it will appear.
(Again, you can hover your cursor over the icons in your message preview to confirm the icon is what you really want to use.)

To avoid confusion, the icons should really be used to express your true feelings at that particular moment in your message.  Otherwise you could convey a wrong meaning to someone and possible offend them.

They're just intended to emphasise the intention of your remark, either directed to a particular person or to a whole group of people generally.

If used sparingly, they are very useful in keeping your messages 'pleasant', and leaving no room for misinterpretation.

When it all comes down to it though, just use them or lose them.  It's your choice Toby.

You've never offended anyone as far as I am aware, so just carry on as you're been doing if that's what you prefer.  :)

I wish you luck in taking pictures of your Tuberous Begonias.  Look forward to seeing your piccies.

We made the mistake of leaving our gardening until the afternoon.  The morning started off bright and sunny, so we thought we were in for a good day.  Wrong!  After about an hour of gardening this afternoon it started rain.  >:(  It seems that you just can't plan from day to day what you're going to get accomplished, because the weather is just so fickle.  We just seem to be dodging rain showers at the moment.  Ho hum.  ::)

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 03, 2008, 03:40:05 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #50

AUTUMN:  Delightful season that runs from the disposal of the last zucchini to the arrival of the first catalog. ? H.B. & R. McK.      

How true that is!!

- Toby

P.S. Looks like pictures of Tuberous Begonias turned out all right.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 04, 2008, 03:43:46 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #51

X.: Botanical symbol for a hybrid or cross between two existing varieties. Nurseries often cross plants to produce a new one with desirable characteristics from each of the progenitors. Thus, for example, a small, rare, ugly, slow-selling shrub with a $29.95 price tag might be crossed with a large, showy, common flower with a $4.95 price tag to produce a large, showy, common shrub with a $39.95 price tag. ? H.B. & R. McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 05, 2008, 03:58:48 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #52

BEECH: Nurseryman?s technical term for either: 1. A very difficult landscaping job or 2., A woman supervising such a job. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 06, 2008, 02:53:18 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #53

PHOTOSYNTHESIS: A method of presenting specimens in the color photographs displayed in seed catalogs. The procedure involves the use of midgets and dwarfs to hold melons and stand by trees and the employment of a novel printing technique called Rhodogravure, ? in which the various vividly colored inks are applied directly to the flower or fruit before the actual photograph is taken. ? H.B. & R. McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on September 06, 2008, 12:00:21 PM

Even though I've got the book, and know what's coming, they still give me a smile.  :)

Keep them coming Toby.

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 09, 2008, 03:08:43 AM

DAFFY DEFINIITON #53

SEQUOIA: Giant evergreen tree remarkable for its longevity and natural resistance to pests. Unfortunately, the very preservatives within its wood that render it invulnerable to all but one highly destructive pest have made its wood enormously desirable to that one pest for use in the construction of decks, hot tubs, planters, and lawn furniture, and for mulch chips. ? H.B. & R. McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 10, 2008, 03:40:32 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #55

DANDELION: The dandelion is often unfairly dismissed as nothing but a pesky weed by those who do not recognize its many uses. The leaves can be boiled to produce a green sludge that my be pureed and used to patch gutters; the flowers can be fermented into a potent, winelike beverage (or, if somewhat less sugar is added, into a homemade paint remover); the roots, cut up and roasted, can be force-fed to poultry and cats; and the fluffy seed hairs of 5,000 or so of the plants will provide a serviceable stuffing for a small toss pillow. ? H.B. & R.Mck.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 11, 2008, 03:31:29 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #56

YARD: 1. (penology) Dusty open area where hard labor is performed. 2. (horticulture) Dusty open area where hard labor is performed. -- H.B. & R. McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 12, 2008, 03:46:25 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #57

FRUIT: General term for the seed-bearing part of a plant that turns mushy, is eaten by birds or worms, drops off, rots, gets funny spots and speckles, pockmarks the lawn, isn?t what was pictured in the catalog, tastes like a glove, or doesn?t appear at all. ? H.B. & R.McK.   

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 15, 2008, 02:55:29 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #58

CROWS: Canny birds that are rarely frightened either by dummies in the garden or dummies of dummies in the garden. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 16, 2008, 03:29:43 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #59

RAIN: See WEEKEND

WEEKEND: See RAIN

-- H.B. &  R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 17, 2008, 03:30:56 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #60

HARVEST: For most amateur gardeners, the harvest is conducted with a large, four-wheeled machine called a ?car,? which is driven along country lanes until a promising ?roadside stand? is located. There, the desired fruits and vegetables are ?picked up,? boxed or bagged, and placed inside the vehicle, and a thick layer of ?long green? is distributed by hand to insure a healthy production of crops in the coming year. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 18, 2008, 03:26:07 AM

DAFFY DEFINTION #61

EGGPLANT: Purplish, meaty vegetable whose taste when cooked ? which depends considerably on the method of preparation, and there are many ? has been variously compared to burnt liver, fried sandals, scorched clams, a wallet, old magazines, and mud. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 19, 2008, 04:00:30 AM

DAFFY DEFINTION #62

CARROT: Crunchy, root vegetable the consumption of which is alleged to improve eyesight. The veracity of this folk belief is challenged to some degree by the large number of rabbit cadavers on streets and highways.  H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 23, 2008, 10:43:49 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #63

JACK-IN-THE-PULPIT:  The state flower of Maryland. Shortly after being named, the designation was challenged by atheist groups who sued to have it removed on the constitutional grounds that its selection promoted religion. In a compromise that appears to have pleased no one, the plant was retained but officially renamed ?FRED-IN-A-PHONE-BOOTH. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 26, 2008, 03:10:22 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #64

DOG: The only garden pest to be successfully domesticated. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 27, 2008, 03:01:55 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #65

LILY of the FIELD: Attractive, unemployed, non-textile-producing flower. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 29, 2008, 06:19:06 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #66 & #67

FURROW: Horizontal line on forehead of gardener. See HARROWING.

HARROWING: Type of gardening experience that produces furrows.

- H.B. & R. McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on September 30, 2008, 05:01:09 PM

DAFFY DFIINITION #68

PEST CONTROL: The conventional method of  dealing with pests involves the periodic application of small amounts of lead at very high velocities. It is somewhat effective in improving yields, but it limits the uses of the harvest to cole slaw, ratatouille, fruit cocktails, and dips. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 01, 2008, 03:22:48 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #69

CELERY:  Practically no one grows this plant for his or her own consumption, but gardeners can pick up a few extra dollars raising it and several other kinds of produce for the restaurant industry, which uses millions of tons annually as garni and in salad bars. Best bets are: celery itself, of course, principally the fibrous, hard-stemmed ?Ghastly Snack?; beets, particularly ?Steam Table? and ?Alcatraz?; and any of the new varieties of iceberg lettuce, including ?Lunch Leather? and ?Dish Debris.? ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 02, 2008, 03:20:21 AM

DAFFY DEFINTION #70

HYDROPONICS: Rock and roll group that enjoyed a brief fad among gardeners in the 1950?s after experiments at Cornell University suggested that popular music improved plant growth. Sales of their records dropped sharply when it was revealed that the growth effect, while valid, was essentially negative: An English ivy plant in the laboratory grew an astonishing 34 inches in 6 days, finally entwining itself around the tone arm of the record player, and a greenhouse orange tree managed to produce a four-pound fruit in one week, which it dropped on the turntable. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 03, 2008, 03:40:39 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #71

PARASITE: Anything in the garden that derives sustenance or energy from its host while providing nothing useful in return. Typical examples of parasitism include rechargeable electric grass clippers, small tractors, and melon plants. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: 3fren on October 04, 2008, 02:24:29 PM

Very interesting start indeed !

One question for you BOss,

Is Ficus an annual or a perennial ?  It doesn't bloom but it fruits throughout the year.

Cheers
jessie of Singapore ;D

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 06, 2008, 04:30:35 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #72

NODE: Portion of anatomy of hay fever sufferers most acutely affected by pollen in the atmosphere. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 07, 2008, 03:48:43 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #73

VIBURNUM: P.T. Viburnum, master flower showman. Highlights of his spectacular botanical extravaganzas included William Ward Hitchcock III?s Wild Flowers of the West Show with ?authentic specimens of grasses and blossoms obtained from the O.K. Corral?; Gertrude Oakley Foster, who arranged flowers on horseback; and a sideshow featuring a collection of malformed squashes. ? H.B. & R.McK.   

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 08, 2008, 04:02:11 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #74

SHORTEST-LIVED-TREE: The oldest trees ? a giant redwood (about 4,000 years) and a bristlecone pine (over 7,000) ? are well enough known, but the specimen with the briefest life span deserves wider notoriety.  The generally accepted record for a transplanted tree is held by 22-foot, $1,400 copper beach purchased in 1961 from a nursery in Delaware by Mr. W. E. Legett. Thriving in its compact root ball when delivered, it died in an incredible four days, beating the previous record established by a magnolia in Kentucky by almost a full week.-- H.B & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 09, 2008, 03:39:56 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #75

GRUB: 1. Beetle larva. 2. Your lawn, from a hungry beetle larva?s point of view. --  H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 10, 2008, 03:00:58 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #76

HONESTY: Very attractive traditional plant with sweet-smelling purple-and-white flowers and papery seedpods. Some new varieties of this garden favorite are now available, including ?Deniability,? ?Point-in-Time,? ?Best Recollections,? and ?Limited Immunity.? ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 13, 2008, 05:25:41 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #77

NASTURTIUM: Ancient Roman nose-bath sometimes used as an ornament in modern gardens. Similar to a birdbath, it consists of a heavy stone lid ? the ?septum? ? in the center of which is the inhaling gate, or ?sinusarium,? a nose-size aperture that provides access to the ?nostrilarium? itself, a deep water-filled bowl that traditionally contains watercress. ? H.B. & R.McK.   

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 14, 2008, 03:25:36 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #78

COLD-FRAME: Elaborate display case for showing off a gardener?s collection of freeze-dried specimens. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 21, 2008, 04:45:33 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #79

IRIS: Handsome, early-blooming perennial flower. Nowhere in botany are the remarkable genetic improvements of the last quarter-century more visible than among the irises. Most of the effort has gone into dramatically increasing the plant?s size. With these developments comes, of course, the requirement for the modern gardener to equip himself with the new tools and accessories necessary for their cultivation and display. For example, to grow the leviathan iris (I. Godzilla) with its huge, shade-producing blossoms and stately green trunk, the home gardener will want a bulb winch, a stem ax, a 500-liter blossom tub, and-- if he can afford it--one of those sporty gas-powered flower transporters. (A hard hat is also advisable?the petals on this hefty beauty weigh 20 pounds a piece!) -- H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 23, 2008, 05:10:37 PM

DAFFY DEFINITIONS #80 & #81

FAUNA:  Grounds keeper?s term for individual not from the U.S.

FERN: What faunas are. ? H.B. & R. McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 28, 2008, 05:30:56 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #82

SEED: Costly, but highly nutritious form of bird food sold in handsome packets printed with colorful pictures of flowers and vegetables. ? H.B. & R.McK.   

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 28, 2008, 05:50:33 PM

Thought that these might give somebody a cause to chuckle a bit!

One of the sources of garden products that I use quite often, just sent me their Holiday Gift Catalog. Among their many offerings were these garden markers, all well made and available in sets. The first set could be used for that category we all have a time or two, that of the unknown NAME OF THE PLANT:

There are four of them ?

?Plantus Unknownus?
?Weedis Victorius?
?Gardenitis Uncontrollius?
?Twigga Mortis?

The second set of three, for those who might need an explanation of WHY YOU PLANTED THE PLANT in the first place ?

?Grow Dammit!?
?I Don?t Remember Planting This?
?This is Your Last Chance, Bloom!?

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 30, 2008, 03:46:58 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #83

BROCHURES and CATALOGS: Forms of entertaining fiction published by nurseries, seeds-men, and tool manufacturers. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on October 30, 2008, 04:32:11 PM

Good one Toby.

I liked the labels one (28th Oct)
I had a chuckle indeed! The second set of three would give visitors a laugh. Ive more than a few plants I could hang the last two on.

You were missing for a few days (23 to 28th). Were you off hiking?

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on October 31, 2008, 05:51:22 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #84

ROTO-TILLER: Cultivating machine based on the principle of the raccoon. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(George: No not off hiking, working outdoors, winterizing, when I could. We're now getting into a rain pattern for the weekend, but do have a return to Kubota Gardens planned for Sunday morning. It is Japanese Maple (Acers) time here, all showing their beautiful leaf colors, there are quite a few at Kubota, so we will hope that it is dry enough to take some photos. I wish they were labeled, we will work on that. - Toby)

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on November 01, 2008, 09:30:20 AM

Hope the weather is favourable for your day at Kubota, Toby. Thats a place I'd love to visit, especially at this time of year. Its very well known worldwide and the autumn colours will be spectacular.
Make sure you have those camera batteries charged and dont do any daredevil things to get good photos!!
Looking forward to hearing your report on your safe return :)

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 04, 2008, 05:05:17 PM

DAFFY DEFITION #85

FENCE: Wire barrier erected to protect garden produce against animal pests that lack wings, paws, teeth, or brains, and cannot leap, tunnel, climb, or fly. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(Got rained out at Kubota Gardens last Sunday. I'm sure there will be another time soon, but the Acers have lost their leaves.  Iit has been raining quite hard, with some gusts of winds. Weather outlook is wet for the next 5 days, at least. - Toby)

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 05, 2008, 04:58:15 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #86

ROSE: There are thousands of hybrids of this beautiful and fragrant flower, but the most common type found in gardens is a specimen with a tight, 6-inch cluster of short, thick, brownish stems with large thorns, bearing a single shiny metal tag about 1-1/2 inches in diameter. ? H.B. & R.McK.   

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on November 05, 2008, 07:38:16 PM

Hi there Toby:
RE:

Quote

Got rained out at Kubota Gardens last Sunday. I'm sure there will be another time soon, but the Acers have lost their leaves.

That was a big disappointment, I'm sure. Very early for all the leaves to have gone.
I hope you had the gear to cope with the rain. Did you continue with your hike?

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 06, 2008, 06:36:40 PM

DAFFY DEFINTION #87

WHEELBARROW: Mobile birdbath. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 07, 2008, 04:52:32 PM

DAFFY DEFINITIONS #88

CHRISTMAS TREE: Any well-shaped evergreen 5 to 7 feet in height situated on public land or in a remote area of private land that can be transferred from its habitat to the roof of an automobile in less than 10 minutes. ? H.B. & R. McK.

(George, I forgot to answer you regarding the Kubota Gardens hike we had planned for last Sunday, and got rained out. No, we did not continue the hike. We were going to go into a newly developed shopping mall near by, and do a few turns there, but it was pretty late, and figured it would be too busy and crowded. It?s been raining quite a bit here, and the first prediction of good weather is this coming Sunday afternoon, we are keeping it open. Will keep you updated.)

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on November 07, 2008, 11:25:10 PM

Hope its favourable Toby. Dont go choppin' Christmas trees now...  ;D

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 10, 2008, 05:12:32 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #89

DAISY: 1. Ubiquitous wild flower with target-shaped blossoms.
     2. Popular brand of air rifle used by offspring of gardeners to shoot heads off 1. ? H.B. & R.McK.

 
(George: Still didn't make Kubota, too wet. As soon as we can get a break in the weather, we will try again. Walked the shopping mall instead.  Saw some plants in interior planters, but didn't think I should dig those up, too many people would see us. - Toby)

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 11, 2008, 04:47:41 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #90

CATNIP: Widely planted herb that produces a powerful narcotic effect on cats, probably similar to the effect of cannabis on humans. One pound of the weed typically has an ?alley value? of eight or ten mice. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(?Fuzz? (Fuzzball), my cat, demands his potion of drugs every night. No wonder he lays around all day, and I can?t get any garden work, like digging up weeds or chasing away squirrels and mice, out of him.)

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on November 11, 2008, 05:24:48 PM

Now you mention squirrels there Toby, I have to tell you about the ones we get in our garden.

We have a few bird feeding stations in our back garden.  One of them is a nut-ball hanging on a hook from the top of one of our fence posts.  Circular metal cage about 12 inches diameter, with holes for the smallest birds to get through (e.g. Sparrows and Tits), with a wire mesh tube running down the middle which holds the peanuts.  The squirrel has a great time trying to get into it, crawling all over the sphere, hanging upside down, but there is just no way it can get in.  They're very acrobatic though.

We have another nut feeder in the shape of a lantern.  The peanuts are retained by wire mesh, and again the squirrel can't get into it, try as it might.

We have a Niger seed feeder hanging from a hook on a brick wall.  The only access to the seed is via very small holes either side of the plastic tube, large enough for only the sharp beaks of Goldfinches and the smaller beaks of BlueTits.

On the lawn itself we have a metal pole about ten feet high with various hooked brackets attached at different heights and angles.  On this we have another circular metal cage, about 16 inches diameter, with a central mesh column of nuts, a smaller caged seed feeder and a large tubular seed feeder.  The holes on the large cage feeder are larger than the other ball feeder, so the squirrel can get through these.  Before we found the ideal position for our feeders, we tried several different positions in the garden for this particular one but the squirrel always managed to get onto it.  Either by jumping from the garden shed or fence or by climbing down the house walls.  It would also climb up this metal pole to get to the other feeders.  The small cage feeder is only large enough for small birds to get through and the large tubular feeder is only big enough for birds' beaks to get into the holes.

Eventually, we moved this pole to the centre of the garden, away from any jumping points, and we bought a squirrel 'baffle.'  This is a large plastic dome that attaches to the metal pole about four feet off the ground, with the dome uppermost.  The squirrel can then only climb the pole to beneath the baffle but can't get on top of it.

It's great fun watching it try to curcumvent this obstacle.  It climbs the pole, and stops to look around to try and see where to go next.  The only place is back to the ground.  This has been a great success.  So, all in all our garden birds can now feed in peace without the squirrel eating all their food.

We used to have a wooden bird table where we placed food for the larger birds we get in our garden - Robins, Blackbirds, Dunnocks, Collared Doves, Starlings, etc., but the squirrel could easily climb up the wooden stand and devour everything before the birds got a look in.  So we have stopped using this now.

We have just finished watching the Autumn Watch program on BBC TV, where they built an obstacle course for squirrels, just to prove how doggedly determined they can be to outwit the obstacles to get to the food.  Quite amazing.

Anyway, our squirrel visitor/s don't quite seem to gave got the message yet, and still try to get onto our bird feeders.  Apart from the amusement they give us, they do not get at any of the bird food.

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on November 11, 2008, 11:04:13 PM

My sister actually leaves food out for a squirrel in her garden. Before that, she left food out for a fox which came a callin' regularly each evening but then stopped - perhaps he'd met his fate.

We had a mouse who used to amuse us with his antics. We have a dwarf Rhododendron, and he used to run all over the leaves, like lightning.
He climbed the tree, along a branch, down the suspension to reach a wire bird feeder. We watched thios for a few days, then my wife decided enough was enough and demanded its head. When I went out to pass the bad news  :'( thinking it would be unable to get back upthe string quickly, it did a free fall from the bird feeder   :o and scampered out of sight   :D
 
He used to climb up a wooden pole to a bird house,which had a flat bottom mounted on the pole. How the mouse managed to negotiate the lower flat portion to reach the  upper flat portion amazed me! I finally trapped him in the bird house, got a plastic bag, covered the bird house, caught mouse, put bag into a biscuit tin, put on lid, took him for a drive for one mile, opened box, opened bag - nothing came out!

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 12, 2008, 05:15:33 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #91

MYRRH: Menacing growling sound made by neighbor?s dog just before attaching. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(It?s time for heavy rains and gusty winds for us! There are flood watches posted for the rivers west of mountains (Mt. Rainier) including the Olympic Peninsula (closer to Pacific Ocean). Have one river running through the valley I overlook, but it has flood control. Some of the local creeks and lowlands can give some problems, though. The worst for me is storm water seeping through the fine cracks in my basement floor. But that?s been happening since year one, it?s a natural occurrence. Seattle is noted for houses sliding down its seven hills, they just don?t use common sense where they put them.)

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 13, 2008, 04:50:35 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #92

ANNUAL RINGS: The age of a tree can be exactly determined by cutting through the trunk horizontally and counting the concentric rings that mark each separate season?s growth. Unfortunately, this method entails a very severe trade-off between precise knowledge and the continued health of the specimen examined. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(Flooding Update: According to this morning?s newspaper, about 200 residents near the Carbon River area were asked to evacuate their homes. We hiked in that area not too long ago and have photos showing very little water in the river at that time.)

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 14, 2008, 04:54:04 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #93

GOURDS: Brightly colored bottle-shaped vegetables that, when dried and polished, provide decorative touches in homes in remote areas where lava lamps, zebra-stripe pillows, velvet paintings, and rotating mirrored balls are often unavailable. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on November 14, 2008, 11:07:11 AM

I like Daffy #92 (Annual rings)
Often wondered about that, how they determine the age of a tree without going the precise knowledge option.

Are you safe from the floods?
We had a freak storm on sat 16th August and many parts of the country were flooded.
On the news last night, we heard that some residents in Ballymena Co Antrim still haven't been able to return to their homes, the damage was so severe.
They now have had time to analyse why it was so bad in their region. Turns out a car park was built on the flood control area. Outrageous  >:(
Why,  and how (nod wink backhander??? ) this can be allowed to happen is beyond me.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 18, 2008, 04:20:40 AM

DAFFY DEFINITIONS #96

HOUSEPLANTS: Quiet, good-natured, and very slow-moving pets, ideal for home or office environments. They are undemanding and good company, but don?t approach them with excessive expectations. They are not likely to master more than the simplest of ?tricks? (?sitting? and ?playing dead? are just about it), and regardless of their size (and some ficuses and dracaenas can be real bruisers), they are not going to deter any but the most fainthearted and pusillanimous intruder, even where a ?Beware of Plants? sign has been clearly posted in a conspicuous place. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 19, 2008, 03:39:38 AM

DAFFY DEFINITIONS #97

WATER: Gardens obtain vital moisture in three ways: from the atmosphere, through precipitation or condensation; from reservoirs, through irrigation; and from gardeners, through perspiration and lacrimation. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(My spell check questioned the spelling of ?lacrimation? ? had to look it up in the dictionary. Yes, I would say by its meaning that its usage and the spelling are correct).

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on November 19, 2008, 10:44:14 AM

Tears of happiness of course, Toby  :D

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 20, 2008, 04:42:53 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #98

PRUNE: 1. (noun) Disagreeable snack produced by placing plums in a lye solution, drying them several weeks, than bathing them in glycerin. 2. (verb) To selectively remove certain branches of a woody plant ? for example, a plum tree ? so that it will grow better and produce more fruit that can be made into an even larger quantity of disagreeable snacks. ? H.B. & R.McK.   

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 21, 2008, 03:53:06 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #99

NUTSHELL: Handy container for abbreviated forms of botanical misinformation. ? H.B. & R.Mck.

(That?s it, like in a ?XXXXXXXX?.)

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 24, 2008, 05:56:22 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #100

GYPSY MOTH: An extremely damaging insect pest that, in its caterpillar stage, is a voracious consumer of the leaves of a number of trees. All attempts at controlling it have failed. The only really successful method of dealing with a major infestation is to mix 2 ounces of gin or vodka with a dash of vermouth, place in a covered container with ice and shake vigorously. Drink the mixture. Forget the gypsy moths.

GYPSOPHILIA: Unnatural love of gypsy moths. A very serious perversion.

-- H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 25, 2008, 05:26:32 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #101

PEAT MOSS: Organic substance used to keep soil loose and moist. One of the three things of interest to gardeners that Canada exports. The other two are cold air and black flies. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on November 27, 2008, 03:57:17 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #102

INSECTICIDES: A new respect for the environment and stricter regulations have taken most of the effective, but destructive, poisons off the shelf and replaced them with more benign, but less potent, compounds. Typical of the new insecticides are Annoyene, which gives some caterpillars a mild itching sensation; Migrene, which gives slugs a headache; and Dorene, Norene, and Charlene, a family of aromatic hydrocarbons based on inexpensive perfumes that have a vague repelling effect on grubs, chiggers, and mites. ? H.B. & McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on December 01, 2008, 04:41:23 PM

DAFFY DEFINTIONS #103

MUSHROOM: Small room where vegetables are stored until they decompose into a pulpy mass suitable for the compost heap. -- H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on December 02, 2008, 03:35:24 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #104

SEED TAPE: Novelty item sold as a practical joke to gullible gardeners who believe that rolls of adhesive tape are the fruit of a truly remarkable hybrid gum tree that can be grown in the garden. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on December 03, 2008, 04:45:46 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #105

CACTUS: Millions of years of adaptation to brutal desert conditions have made this family of plants ideal for the lazy gardener, since there is very little for him or her to do between purchasing the plant and discarding it (anywhere from a week to fifty years later), except to knock it over from time to time and break its pot. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on December 05, 2008, 03:40:35 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #107

LABRYRINTHS, MAZES AND KNOT GARDENS:  Intricate arrangements of shrubs, bushes, and other plants studded with statues and vases were striking highlights in 18-century gardens. Alas, the creation of rigid geometric designs depends on an abundance of low-paid labor, and so in the 20th-century, eye-catching landscape elements simpler to achieve and maintain are preferred, particularly the Tangle, the Brushpile, the Overgrown Tire, and the Lone Cinderblock. ? H.B. & R.McK

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on December 08, 2008, 06:21:45 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #108   

GRAPE: Uninteresting larval stage of wine. ? H.B. & R.McK.      

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on December 09, 2008, 04:35:22 PM

DAFFY DEFINTION #109      

ARBORETUM: Basically a zoo for plants and trees. Although not as exciting as their counterparts that display members of the animal kingdom, arboretums and botanical gardens are much more easygoing. For example, plant-keepers rarely object if children feed the trees a little potassium, and even the largest and most ill-tempered species can do little more than drop a nut on your head or slough off a dead branch or two into your path. And as for their by-products ? well, no one ever complains about getting oxygen on their shoes. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on December 10, 2008, 04:40:16 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #110

ARTICHOKE: The only vegetable as troublesome to eat as it is to grow. ? H.B. & R.McK.   

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on December 12, 2008, 06:06:44 PM

(We are expecting VERY COLD weather for this week-end coming south from British Columbia, with a threat of SNOW and temperatures of 20 degrees F. That?s 12 degrees below freezing. Have got to go check my outside faucets, etc. ? Toby)

DAFFY DEFINTION #111

GOLDENROD:   Very showy wild flower, but ?GA? - unfortunately it is ?GA?- a major ?GA?- cause of sinus allergy ?GA?- ?GA?- among hay fever ?GA?- sufferers.

GOLDENROD POLLEN:   ?ZEBO!?

GAZEBO: Explosive sound produced by hay fever sufferers.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on December 12, 2008, 06:24:47 PM

We've had a spate of overnight temperatures down to -6 degrees C the past week, with one day of heavy snowfall.  This quickly cleared the same day, but we're still getting freezing temperatures with overnight frosts.

Lagged our outside taps last month, as soon as we started to get frosty weather.

Our water butt is still full to the brim, and is not freezing over, so we've still got sustainable water supplies to water-in our newly planted bulbs. (When the ground isn't frozen that is.)

Look after yourself when the snow comes Toby, and make sure you have all your essential food supplies in the house to wait it out.

Laurie.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on December 13, 2008, 06:59:12 PM

Look after your self Toby. Make sure you have food and heat! Hope that cold snap doesnt last too long.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on January 11, 2009, 06:27:24 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #112

PATH: In most gardens, the shortest distance between two eyesores. ? H.B. & R.McK.   

(My last posting for this topic was around the middle of December, along with a personal note about an approaching storm. Yes, it showed up, and stayed around for quite awhile. Lots of snow for approximately 2 weeks, with drifts in my backyard of 8? to 10?, with a very treacherous under-surface of ice from 2? to 3? thick.  It basically crippled all the area?s transportation. Holiday packages did not get delivered on time, holiday flight travels canceled.

After the snow stopped, rain and warming temperatures came into the area. With the surface water caused by the rain and rise in temperature melting the snow a huge amount of run-off water has caused flooding in rivers, streams, creeks, and storm drains, resulting in extreme damage to people?s homes and business. All major traffic routes were closed, either going East/West or North/South in the State. Which meant no freight traffic to bring food items, etc.  A large amount of avalanches and slides have been reported in the hiking and mountain areas. .

Thank goodness I had ample food in my home to get me through, and that my home is situated on a hill without any problems of it sliding down! Referring to Daffy Definition #112 above, one good thing about the snow, though, it covered up all the eyesores in my garden for awhile.)

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on January 11, 2009, 09:12:13 PM

Glad you are OK Toby. You were very wise to have stocked up with food.
Sorry to hear about all that chaos. Dreadful.

Until things get back to normal, dont even think about going hiking  ;D

RE:

Quote

PATH: In most gardens, the shortest distance between two eyesores. ? H.B. & R.McK.   

Yes, as the dog runs.
Not necessarily as the poor old gardener walks!

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on January 13, 2009, 04:04:09 AM

DAFFY DEFINTION #113

GIN: 1. Remarkable agricultural aid developed in the 19th century by Yankee tinkerers. 2. Remarkable agricultural aid developed in the 18th century by British distillers. ? J.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on January 14, 2009, 04:05:29 AM

DAFFY DEFINTION #114

BEACH PLUM: 1. Bothersome seashore fruit that may be converted with considerable effort into a bland jelly. 2. Attractive scantily clad young lady on the beach who may be observed at a fairly close range while pretending to pick 1. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on January 16, 2009, 04:08:13 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION:  #115

POISON IVY: If, like most people, you are allergic to this plant, the slightest touch is far worse than itching powder. You?ll just have to learn to live with it ? it?s one of nature?s little ?gags.? Others include lightning, floods, earthquakes, hurricanes, cobwebs, poodles, and the mumps. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(This definition is certainly correct when it includes ?floods? in its definition of ?one of nature?s little ?gags?.? They are still mopping up after the recent episode of floods in this area of the planet. Such tragedy! I don?t if you know it, but all waters in the US are under the control of the US Army Corps of Engineers. No private companies are involved in making decisions about the usage and control of water. One of our first presidents made that decision. Certainly a very wise one.)   

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on January 19, 2009, 05:09:17 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION #116

GARDEN: One of a vast number of free outdoor restaurants operated by charity-minded amateurs in an effort to provide healthful, balanced meals for insects, birds, and animals. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on January 26, 2009, 04:27:22 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #117

PINCHING: Pruning method developed in Italian gardens. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(27 degrees F. at Seattle-International Airport this morning, expected high 40 degrees ? BRRRRR.)

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on January 26, 2009, 04:54:19 PM

Wrap up and take care Toby! Its fairly cold here as well, so dont feel victimised  ;D
Temp was 1 degree C at 9am

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on January 27, 2009, 04:46:12 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #118

TREE PAINT: Tarry compound daubed on exposed tree wounds to prevent viruses and bacteria from penetrating the cambium layer, and usually smeared on hands, gloves, and clothes as well, possibly as a modern holdover from an ancient Druidic ritual in which the spirit of the tree, infuriated by having one of its favorite limbs hacked off to provide a little sunlight for the terrace, is propitiated and mollified by seeing the perpetrator of the deed covered in black goo. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on January 28, 2009, 04:57:32 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #119

PEST: Any creature that eats green vegetables without being compelled to. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(Northwest Flower & Garden Show, Feb 18-22, 2009, Convention Center, 7th and Pike, Seattle, WA ? US, garden show.com. Will try to put on our schedule.)

- Toby

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on January 29, 2009, 10:32:49 AM

I'll be back! Well, its my dream  :D
Every time I think back on how Doug organised our Ideas Genie booth at the Northwest F&G show in 2003 I'm re-energised again. That man is incredible.
What a great week that was. I was overcome with the friendliness of the people in that region, and it was a pleasure to talk to so many people who stopped by our booth.
Its like a driving inner force - I'll be back! (and to do Chelsea of course!!)

I hope you get to the show, Toby. Be sure to give us a report!

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on January 30, 2009, 04:54:35 PM

DAFFY DEFINTION #121

NUTSHELL: Handy container for abbreviated forms of botanical misinformation. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(When I saw the advertisement in the newspaper re; Garden Show, I told myself that I had to remind George. Have you heard anything from Doug?)

- Toby

(Add on since writing above; in this morning?s Seattle Times Newspaper front page:
Where would all the flowers go?
Northwest Flower and Garden Show May Make Its Last Run This Year
Founding owner wants to pursue other interests, but a buyer is elusive in troubled economy
54,000 Attendance, 300 Exhibitors, $1.8 Million Revenue
Show outdraws all similar events except Philadelphia?s (PA-US) flower show, which began in 1829.)

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on February 03, 2009, 05:35:39 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #122

LEGGY: A plant is said to be ?leggy? when it has a long, bare stem, and little foliage. Other undesirable characteristics include ?pushy,? ?coarse,? ?rootless,? ?seedy,? and ?dead.? ? H.B. & R.McK.   

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: bossgard on February 06, 2009, 04:48:15 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #120

TERRARIUM: The home gardener who enjoys playing ?God? can create a complete miniature closed environment in a covered jar, and old aquarium, or any other glass container. A balance of compatible plants and small animals, such as frogs or lizards, is essential. Once the little ?world? is prospering, weird and contradictory ?commandments? can be written on the backs of old dominoes or Scrabble tiles and dropped in through the top, while an old saucepan is beaten loudly with a spoon and the lights are turned on and off rapidly. Disappointment with the way things are going ?down there? can be expressed by shaking the terrarium violently, as if preparing a whiskey sour; by ?expelling? the inhabitants by turning it upside down; or by emptying a bucket or two of water into it along with vague plans for an ?ark.? And for an ?end of the world? effect, it may be thrown from a second-story window or simply put in the garbage. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: Eric Hardy on March 04, 2009, 10:29:43 AM

Is the thread to add this? I took this at my son's house in Canada. Unfortunately the aubergine came from the market, he did not grow it.

(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3341/3328246672_3fa90fef41_o.gif)

Eric H

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: ideasguy on March 04, 2009, 11:05:04 AM

Brilliant!

Title: Re: Garden funnies
Post by: NightHawk on March 04, 2009, 11:12:14 AM

Quote from: Eric Hardy on March 04, 2009, 10:29:43 AM

Is the thread to add this?
Eric H

Absolutely Eric.

A cool-looking veggie.  ;D

Laurie.