Garden funnies

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #14

HOLLYHOCK: Tall flowering plant that has been nicknamed ?the gardener?s barometer? since it records high winds by falling over and breaking off near the ground, very heavy rain by losing all its blossoms, and the presence of Japanese beetles and the caterpillar stage of the rare painted-lady butterfly by disappearing entirely. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

[ideasguy]

Hey, they missed the most common attribute - the ability to indicate rust fungi

Heres a good link:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/gqt/fsheets/02_06_02/fsheetsq10.shtml

[NightHawk]

Still haven't received any suggestions for names of the upside down tree and rubber plants in Harlow Carr gardens photos above. 

Must have everyone 'stumped    (Pun intended.)

Laurie.

[bossgard]

Laurie:
  Re: The rather large upright specimens that you photographed when you visited Harlow Carr Gardens are, I believe, a variety of tree know as the ?Bare-Bottom? Tree, if they still had the root ball covering on them, then they would be called the ?Diapered Bare-Bottom? Tree. I?m not too sharp on this Taxonomy stuff, but I believe this to be correct.

The other mystery photo must show some rare specimens of the Rubber Tree Family, but I am not sure if they can be classified as part of the ?Wellies? family or not? They might be left over from a photo shoot that BBC?s Magazine, GARDENS ILLUSTRATED, Issue #131, that?s dated for November 2007, did on pages 48-53. If you can get a copy of the magazine, it is well worth taking a look at, I thought it was a beautiful work of art and of merchandising!
   - Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #15

BEE: Generic name of any of a number of stinging insects, most commonly the honeybee. Contrary to popular belief, bees almost never sting, unless they are mating, feeding, resting, swarming, leaving the hive, or returning to the hive. -- H.B. & R.McK.
- Toby

[NightHawk]

Great detective work there Toby - you could be spot on. 

Laurie.

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #16

ESPALIER: A method of training trees into rigid patterns by tying their branches to wires. Now a formal gardening technique, it had its beginnings in the 14th century during one of the lengthy, polite, and nearly bloodless wars of the era of chivalry. During the investiture of Dijon in 1374, Louis IX created ?Les Espaliers du Roi,? a crack body of gardeners who planted young saplings along one wall of the besieged town. By the early fall of 1388, Louis? men were able to clamber easily up the ladderlike limbs and capture the city. The event marked the first appearance of organic gardening methods, since the Dijonnais had regularly pelted the Espaliers with garbage during their patient work, and the resulting compost appears to have produced, ironically, vastly improved growth. It?s worth mentioning in passing that the last stand of the Espaliers ? by then a purely ceremonial unit ? occurred in 1789, when thirty of the valiant soldier-gardeners attempted to stop the rampaging mobs menacing Versailles by planting thorny rosebushes in their path. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #17

VEGETABLE: Many individuals are reluctant to raise animals for food, dreading as they do the inevitable emotional turmoil that accompanies the conversion of a pet into lunch. With members of the vegetable kingdom, it is easier to avoid attachments, but for the truly squeamish the harvest can be a trying experience. Here are a few hints that will make it easier to bear: Never talk to a plant you intend to eat; when digging up potatoes, avoid eye contact; do not pet soft-headed vegetables like lettuce and cabbage; don?t give melons and pumpkins names; and always apply fertilizer with a mechanical dispenser rather than by the hand. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #18

TOOLS: Gardeners have long recognized that tools have a distinct life cycle just like anything else in the garden: active phase (1-12 weeks), marked by the appearance of telltale blisters on the hands and/or bruises on the legs of the user; metamorphosis phase (12-14 weeks), during which the handle suddenly breaks at the point where it is joined to the metal working end; and dormant phase (14 weeks--20 years), spent by the two halves of the tool resulting from metamorphosis, usually in a dark corner of a shed. ? H.B. & R.McK.

That?s all for this week, next week we will work with the words NARCISSUS, STAKE, COMPOST and HOSE and several more!

George, hope you enjoy yourself next week when you are on your planned trip to the Chelsea Flower Show and the various garden tours you have scheduled. I, for one, am looking forward to hearing all about them and seeing the pictures that you will have taken with your new camera!
- Toby

[ideasguy]

Thanks Toby - preparations have started for the trip. I'm really looking forward to it.

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #19

HOSE: Crude, but effective and totally safe type of scythe towed through gardens to flatten flower beds and level vegetable plantings. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #20

COMPOST: Gardeners are generally quite pleasant individuals, but they often become unnecessarily graphic when discussing the constituents of the detritus of which their compost heaps are composed. This can be annoying and disturbing for the houseguest, visitor, or dining companion, but it does carry with it the hidden bonus that the usual house gift of flowers, pastry, or wine can be dispensed with in favor of a bag of potato skins, some eggshells, or the contents of a recently cleaned cat box. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(These daffy definitions were originally published in 1982, I believe that using the ?contents of a recently cleaned cat box? in your compost is a ?no-no? nowadays! ? Toby)

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #21

STAKE: Hard, somewhat tasteless garden product that generally constitutes the bulk of the harvest after visits by raccoons, groundhogs, rabbits, birds, squirrels, and deer. H.B. &  R.McK.

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #22

NARCISSUS: Wonderful, early-blooming flower with an unsatisfactory plural form. Botanists have been searching for a suitable ending for years, but their attempts ? narcissi (1947), narcissuses (1954), narcissus for both singular and plural (1958), and multinarcissus and polynarcissus (1962, 1963) ? haven?t enjoyed any real acceptance, and thus, gardeners still prefer to plant the easily pluralized daffodil or jonquil. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #23

HYDRANGEA: Strange behavior observed in gardeners during periods of heavy rainfall. Symptoms include obsessive tool care, irrational mail order purchases, the neurotic sorting of seed packets, and buying alcoholic beverages by the case. H.B. & R.McK.

Next week we will take a look at words such as POTATO, HEELING IN, WEED, TULIP and ANEMONE.

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #24

DAMN ANEMONE: Perennial herb imn the buttercup fanimly with amn extremenely amnoying mname. -- H.B. & R.McK.

Let?s do  another one, and make up for not having one for you on Monday, which was our Memorial Day, a national holiday for us here in the States. The weather was real nice, and got me outside in the garden.  - Toby

DAFFY DEFINITION #25

WEED: Any plant that will survive at least one week without being watered, fertilized, pruned, sprayed, staked, mulched, misted, dusted, or wrapped in burlap, paper, or plastic. ? H.B. & R.McK.

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #26

HEELING IN: Method of temporarily planting dormant rooted plants by placing them in a shallow trench dug with the back of the foot, then covering the roots with dirt. This technique suffers from the disadvantage that plants that are heeled in are more likely to die then those which are immediately planted in deep holes, but this drawback is more than compensated for by the ease with which they are disposed of when they do die. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #27

TULIP: Dutch blight second only to Dutch elm disease in severity. It affects most gardeners in late summer when it turns crisp green currency into shriveled brown bulbs that appear suddenly in mailboxes in early September. The only effective control method is to destroy the colorful pamphlets that spread the disease as soon as they appear. Under no circumstances should they be opened. ? H.B. & R.McK.

(And I had one of those colorful pamphlets in my mail the other day, and I opened it! What do I do now? If I burn it right now, will I be saved? I think I might have caught the disease though, I?ve got eye-strain from reading the descriptions and headaches from the decisions!) - Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #28 & #29

POTATO: The ideal vegetable. Potatoes are not bitter, not stringy, not pulpy, not sour, and not gritty. They are also, not green, so tiresome nutritionists will say they are not ?good? for you, but after all they are vegetables, not some sort of candy (although some of the sweet varieties can be easily transformed into something quite like a dessert). And boiling isn?t the only thing you can do with them ? they can be fried, baked, roasted, creamed, hash-browned, mashed and rissoléed. Incredibly, they are even tasty served as a salad. And, best of all, since potatoes of excellent quality are available the year round at very reasonable prices, there is absolutely no reason whatever to grow them ? in fact, there is a very good reason not to.

POTATO BEETLE: The very good reason not to. ? H.B. & R.McK>

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #30

BUGS: There are a variety of methods of controlling insects, but ? let?s be honest ? they just don?t work. Why not ?rock with the punch? so to speak and establish an insect garden? Although a bed of slugs or a curving border of shimmering Japanese beetles may not be as spectacular as more traditional plants, and a centerpiece of grubs and larvae on the dining table might be a little alarming, you will have the piece of mind that comes from never having to worry that a sudden infestation of cabbages will kill your prize loopers, or that radishes will attach your thrips, or that a peach tree will get your borers. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

[NightHawk]

Oooooooooh!  Loopers, thrips and borers - they sound nasty. 

All I can say is - hang on to your Hollyhocks. 

Laurie.

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #31

FLUORESCENT LIGHT: You can grow plants under ordinary office-type fluorescent lights, but be warned ? they are likely to develop odd habits: They will bloom only from about 9:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M.; they will require a powerful mulch of paper, ashes, and coffee grounds; they will tend to cluster around water supplies, the plant heads will generally turn toward any windows or clocks and begin to droop around 3:00 P.M.; and none of the plants will ever blossom or produce any fruit. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #32

BOTANICAL NOMENCLATURE: The system currently in use for naming plants is based on one devised by a Swedish botanist known variously as Carl Linne, Carl von Linne, and Carolus Linnaeus, whose confusion over his own name has unfortunately extended to his system. The initial two words under the Linneaean system are always Latin. (Ideally, they shouldn?t ?give away? what the plant is or be easy to say or spell ? that spoils the fun!) Thus, if some horticultural investigator turned up a new thick-stemmed orchid Chyrrhaemzygophylla braeiourhynspsia, which may be abbreviated to C. braeiourhynspia. (Plants are sometimes named after their discoverer, but the authorities responsible for the designations are reluctant to do this unless the botanist to be honored has a very peculiar name, like O?Clytemnestra or Ffrench-Turpsichert.) Following these two Latin words, a third sometimes appears indicating the variety of the plant if it has some particular quality others lack, as for example, that it is unusually difficult to grow (irascibilia), has a noticeable odor (phooeyii), or looks like something fell on it (obliterata). Now, if a particular specimen develops, say brilliant red blossoms instead of the tiny white ones it displays in the wild, it might be further qualified as a cultivar and have an additional epithet, preceded by the letters c.v. like ?Carmine Miranda.? Many nurseries contribute to the confusion by applying their own names to the plants, like ?Flame of the Amazon ? Rarest Orchid in the World!? or ?Cobra Breath ? Snatched from the Jaws of South American Serpents!? and as a result most gardeners rely on the simpler Universal Plant Identification Code, under with C. braeiourhynspsia is ?That Thick-stemmed Orchid with Flowers Shaped Like a Shoe in the Green Pot.? ? H.B. & McK.

What a mess that is to text! My italics didn't carry over from Word to the Forum, you are going to have to imagine where they occur. - Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #33:

PEACHES AND PEARS: Everyone loves these trees, both for their fragrant flowers and their delicious fruit, but, alas, they are both afflicted with hundreds of diseases and disorders, including trunk drool, root slobber, bark slime, stemdrizzle, mush wood, limbsludge, twigfuzz, craptip, crud leaf, petal smudge, sprout droop, munge, dampcurl, bud custard, splotchblossom, devil?s whiskers, lobe dropsy, creeping dinge, gray gange, bunkle, sperl, flenge, munge, morbisy, and snet. The only practical preventive measure is to dispose of the young plants immediately by burning or burying. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #34

SPRINKLER: Adjustable rotary irrigation device, typically with two settings: ?Drool,? which creates a puddle of water 6 inches deep in a circle about a yard in diameter, and ?Monsoon,? which propels a high-velocity water jet into the woods, the garage, your automobile, and the street. ? H.B. & R. McK.

- Toby