Author Topic: Garden funnies  (Read 36366 times)

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Online ideasguy

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Garden funnies
« on: April 23, 2008, 05:12:55 PM »
Toby (bossgard) emails regularly, and often has me in stitches with his humour.
Yesterday, he suggested we have a board on the forum where we can post our jokes.

I asked Kathy and Laurie to have a think about how and where the board should go on the forum, and critically, what to call it.
Many thanks to Kathy for coming up with the title Garden funnies  8)
Description -----------  "For the strange, amazing and 'laugh-out-loud' moments in the garden."

OK, Toby (and all other members of course) - go for it!! Lets have that gem you sent last night  ;D

Be sure to visit regularly to get a laugh!

Offline bossgard

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2008, 05:52:56 PM »
OK, I'll start out:  Daffy definition:  GARDENING: the art of killing weeds and bugs to grow flowers and crops for animals and birds to eat. (I've got lots of them, do you want more?)
    - Toby

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2008, 07:02:38 PM »
Yes Toby, keep them coming - that's great.  8)

Okay, we've had some funny words from Toby so now it's my turn to contribute a picture this time.

The tomato below was given to me by my mother-in-law last summer, grown lovingly.

Trust me, honestly, I have not altered this photo in any way.  ;D

Laurie.




Offline bossgard

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2008, 03:38:45 AM »
I think that this is the 'gem' that George wants me to post. It is one of my favorites too. Laugh Out Loud!

Daffy definition #2: "APHID: Insect pest which inphests gardens and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their pheet, and utter phour-letter words. "

Credit where credit is due. All the daffy definitions that I will post will be the words of Henry Beard and Roy McKie, authors of a book bearing the title as appears in my first posting with the definition of 'Gardening'. I'm sure that they would want me to share them with you!

Online ideasguy

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2008, 11:00:15 AM »
Yes, thats the one Toby

Going back one, "Love" that tomato, Kathy and Laurie- wonderful what TLC can produce  ;D

Offline bossgard

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2008, 04:00:40 AM »
OK, George, since you liked the Daffy Definition #2 about the APHID, you will undoubtedly like this one, too.

Daffy Definition #3:  DELPH: Abbrv fr ?delphinium,? lg shwy prennl w bl flrs. Othr cmmn abbrvs incl ?mum,? ?snap,? ?daff,? n ?glad.? If u cn rd ths dfntn, u cn gt a gd jb at a nrsry. ? H.B. & R. McK.

You should have seen SPELL CHECK ?light up? on that one.

That will have to do you for the weekend. Be back next week to help you and others learn about how to tell an ANNUAL from a PERENNIAL. Also, the main basics of GARDEN FERTILIZERS, how to tell what kind of SOILS you have, and something that everyone should know about their favorite NURSERY.

- Toby

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2008, 06:14:13 AM »
Daffy Definition #3:  DELPH: Abbrv fr ?delphinium,? lg shwy prennl w bl flrs. Othr cmmn abbrvs incl ?mum,? ?snap,? ?daff,? n ?glad.? If u cn rd ths dfntn, u cn gt a gd jb at a nrsry. ? H.B. & R. McK.

********** SPOILER - DON'T READ MY POST UNTIL YOU'VE TRIED THIS DEFINITION YOURSELF **************




I'll give it a go.

DELPH:  Abbreviation for "delphinium," long showy perennial with blue flowers.  Other common abbreviations include, mum (not sure of that one), snapdragon, daffodil, gladioli.  If you can read this definition, you can get a good job at a nursery.

How did I do Toby.  Do I get the job.  ;)

Laurie.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2008, 06:26:34 AM by Kathy & Laurie »

Online ideasguy

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2008, 10:57:47 AM »
Meatloaf said "2 out of 3 ain't bad"
Not so sure about 3 out of 4 though  ;D
Clue? Think about Aunth-mum  :)
We'll see what the "Boss" says  ;)

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #8 on: April 25, 2008, 11:07:13 AM »
Clue? Think about Aunth-mum  :)

Darn it George, Kathy's not here at the moment so I can't cheat.  ::)

I still don't know what it is. Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Laurie.

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2008, 12:42:33 PM »
Chrysanthemum .......... ::)

sheesh men..

Kathy :-*

Online ideasguy

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2008, 12:49:30 PM »
Careful now... Boss mightn't give you the job!

Offline bossgard

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2008, 05:57:01 PM »
Seems to me that we?re getting into a squabble over there.  Cut it out, we?re supposed to be a peaceful Community, otherwise the neighbors will gossip.

I wouldn?t be too anxious about this job in this nursery, on this piece of land it?s all voluntary. No money changes hands, and you even have to bring your own lunch and provide your own transportation. Bring you own shovel and rake too, no tools furnished. The last workers I had ran away with mine. Can?t understand that!

Kathy has it right!

Just for that she get?s an extra Daffy Definition:

Daffy Definition #4: TOMATO: This universally appreciated garden vegetable provides a fascinating demonstration of the biological ?clocks? that all plants possess. Regardless of when tomatoes are planted, they will all become synchronized, mysteriously producing a gigantic crop of ripe fruit within a few hours of one another. This process can be triggered by ?packing? ? a method that entails making noisy and highly visible preparations for a trip, culminating in a dramatic ?departure.? The fruit will turn red and begin dropping to the ground within 15 to 20 minutes, and the harvest can usually begin after a few leisurely spins around the block. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Offline bossgard

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #12 on: April 29, 2008, 04:17:29 AM »
DAFFY DEFINITION #5!

Back to the Gardening Classroom to get a very basic Gardening Education about ANNUALS and PERENNIALS.

STUDENTS PAY ATTENTION!

ANNUAL: Any plant that dies before blooming. See PERENNIAL.

PERENNIAL:  Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after year.
See ANNUAL.  ?  H.B. & R. McK.

- Toby



Offline bossgard

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #13 on: April 30, 2008, 03:44:51 AM »
DAFFY DEFINITION #6:

GARDEN FERTILIZER: The feeding of plants is a complicated and quite technical procedure, but the few essential facts about fertilizers can be quickly mastered. Just remember the numbers 3-2-5. They refer to: the three basic types ? messy, stinky, and messy/stinky; the two sizes they are available in ? tidbit (4 ounce packet) and blammo (220-pound sack); and the five methods of application ? too much, too little, too early, too late, and wrong kind. ?  H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Offline bossgard

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #14 on: May 01, 2008, 03:56:58 AM »
DAFFY DEFINITION #7

SOILS: There are basically three kinds of soil: sandy, clay, and loamy-muddy. How can you tell which type you have? Ask one of your children or a neighbor?s child to come over and play in your yard. Inspect the results. Is it a castle, a tasteful little ashtray, or a messy mud pie? That?s really all there is to it. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #15 on: May 02, 2008, 03:56:09 AM »
DAFFY DEFINITION #8:

NURSERY: The only known place where money grows on trees.
-H.B. & R.McK.

Will have more DAFFY DEFINITIONS next week! Words like VERMICULITE, RANUNCULUS, CULTIVATION and INSECT!
   - Toby


Offline bossgard

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #16 on: May 05, 2008, 04:12:23 AM »
DAFFY DEFINITION #9

VERMICULITE: Obscure order of nuns dedicated to gardening. Like other devotional orders, the sisters take the traditional vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience, but in keeping with the demanding nature of their calling, the Vermiculites are the only such group with special dispensation to drink, smoke, swear, and throw things. ? H.B. & R.McK.

Sounds like they?re like most gardeners I know. Even me. (But I quit smoking long time ago.) - Toby

Offline bossgard

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #17 on: May 06, 2008, 04:03:02 AM »
DAFFY DEFINITION #10

RANUNCLULUS: Third brother of Romulus and Remus. According to Roman legend, while his siblings were taken in and cared for by a she-wolf, Ranunculus was raised by buttercups. The shepherd who found Romulus and Remus stepped on Ranunculus, killing him instantly. ? H.B. & R.McK. - Toby


Offline bossgard

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #18 on: May 07, 2008, 03:59:09 AM »
DAFFY DEFINITION #11

CULTIVATION: The only sure method of removing weeds is by ?working the soil? with fork, spade, or hoe to loosen the roots. With stubborn weeds, however, it?s best to ?live and let live? and simply label the offending plant with its Latin name and modestly accept compliments on its robust growth. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #19 on: May 07, 2008, 09:14:04 AM »
That labelling program (GA048) is going to be real useful! I must stock up on labelling material  :)
Was that comment sponsored by Avery?

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Harlow Carr Gardens, Harrogate, UK
« Reply #20 on: May 07, 2008, 11:20:38 PM »
During our visit to Harlow Carr Gardens on Tuesday last, we couldn't resist sharing the following two photos.

The person who planted these must have been drunk - fancy putting them in upside down.  ;)



In the photo below we haven't got a clue what variety of plants these are on the wooden posts.  Any ideas?  :-\



Laurie.

Offline bossgard

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #21 on: May 08, 2008, 03:44:17 AM »
George:  Regarding you referencing GA048 in the CULTIVATION Definition, I too, had been thinking about using this ?weed? identification in my own garden. Maybe we can offer a random selection GA048 program for members to use for identifying ?weeds?. That is, you just click on a Latin name that is given on the program that sounds like a good name for the ?weed? and it creates a label automatically. No body will know the difference that visits my yard. Maybe somebody can make up some nice authentic looking and sounding names for us to use.
- Toby

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #22 on: May 08, 2008, 03:50:07 AM »
DAFFY DEFINITION #12

INSECT: Insects are not ?bad? by nature, but they quickly pick up antisocial habits by ?hanging around? with thousands of ?bad eggs? in crowded, dimly lit nests. (In more than one case, irresponsible mothers, or ?queens, ? have been found to have over one million children ? many more than they can care for properly.) It?s a vicious cycle as newly hatched individuals get hooked on ?plant juice? and turn into hardened garden felons. A few groups have tried working with insects. Arthropod House, for example, has had limited success retraining termites to sharpen pencils and has found jobs for some of the smaller flying insects in the circus field, but on the whole the picture is rather bleak.
- H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

Offline bossgard

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #23 on: May 09, 2008, 04:17:17 AM »
DAFFY DENITION #13

QUINCE: Fruit tree that lent its name to a traditional English garden sport. The game of quince is based on a wager in the late 14th century between the earl of Agway and the bishop of London as to whose gardeners could produce the first ripe quinces of the season to be made into jam for King Henry, who was very fond of the stuff. As it is played today, teams of amateur gardeners simultaneously plant specimens of the tree in barrels in the center of quince court ? a large greenhouse with seating for spectators. The object of the contest is deceptively simple: By careful pruning and the judicious use of precisely measured amounts of water, fertilizer, and plant sprays, to produce the first ripe quince weighing at least 7-1/2 ounces. Modern matches, in a practice much deplored by traditionalists, start with mature trees rather than seed and last about 200 days, compared to the four or more years of the prewar tussles. Attendance is generally spotty after the colorful opening ceremonies, but there are always a few people on hand to cry ?good wood? when a particularly well-though-out bit of pruning is executed with a nice flourish of the shears. In the final week, the betting ? not encouraged ? is stiff, the tension is high, and the stands are packed as the judges begin to apply their scales to the larger fruits. And, of course, it is difficult to convey the excitement and the sheer drama in the center quince court at Kew in late September as the head judge plucks the winning fruit, mashes it with an ironwood gavel, and declares it ?fit and worthy for His Majesty?s muffins.?
- H.B. & R.McK.

Sounds like fun to watch!  Anything like this going on at Chelsea, George?

That?s all for this week, next week we will learn about how Hollyhocks help you in the garden and how Espalier began.

- Toby

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Re: Garden funnies
« Reply #24 on: May 10, 2008, 01:58:18 PM »
RE:
Quote
Anything like this going on at Chelsea, George?
I'm sure the tour guide will already be aware of such an important event.  ;D