Garden funnies

[ideasguy]

Toby (bossgard) emails regularly, and often has me in stitches with his humour.
Yesterday, he suggested we have a board on the forum where we can post our jokes.

I asked Kathy and Laurie to have a think about how and where the board should go on the forum, and critically, what to call it.
Many thanks to Kathy for coming up with the title Garden funnies 
Description -----------  "For the strange, amazing and 'laugh-out-loud' moments in the garden."

OK, Toby (and all other members of course) - go for it!! Lets have that gem you sent last night 

Be sure to visit regularly to get a laugh!

[bossgard]

OK, I'll start out:  Daffy definition:  GARDENING: the art of killing weeds and bugs to grow flowers and crops for animals and birds to eat. (I've got lots of them, do you want more?)
    - Toby

[Kathy & Laurie]

Yes Toby, keep them coming - that's great. 

Okay, we've had some funny words from Toby so now it's my turn to contribute a picture this time.

The tomato below was given to me by my mother-in-law last summer, grown lovingly.

Trust me, honestly, I have not altered this photo in any way. 

Laurie.

[bossgard]

I think that this is the 'gem' that George wants me to post. It is one of my favorites too. Laugh Out Loud!

Daffy definition #2: "APHID: Insect pest which inphests gardens and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their pheet, and utter phour-letter words. "

Credit where credit is due. All the daffy definitions that I will post will be the words of Henry Beard and Roy McKie, authors of a book bearing the title as appears in my first posting with the definition of 'Gardening'. I'm sure that they would want me to share them with you!

[ideasguy]

Yes, thats the one Toby

Going back one, "Love" that tomato, Kathy and Laurie- wonderful what TLC can produce 

[bossgard]

OK, George, since you liked the Daffy Definition #2 about the APHID, you will undoubtedly like this one, too.

Daffy Definition #3:  DELPH: Abbrv fr ?delphinium,? lg shwy prennl w bl flrs. Othr cmmn abbrvs incl ?mum,? ?snap,? ?daff,? n ?glad.? If u cn rd ths dfntn, u cn gt a gd jb at a nrsry. ? H.B. & R. McK.

You should have seen SPELL CHECK ?light up? on that one.

That will have to do you for the weekend. Be back next week to help you and others learn about how to tell an ANNUAL from a PERENNIAL. Also, the main basics of GARDEN FERTILIZERS, how to tell what kind of SOILS you have, and something that everyone should know about their favorite NURSERY.

- Toby

[Kathy & Laurie]

Daffy Definition #3:  DELPH: Abbrv fr ?delphinium,? lg shwy prennl w bl flrs. Othr cmmn abbrvs incl ?mum,? ?snap,? ?daff,? n ?glad.? If u cn rd ths dfntn, u cn gt a gd jb at a nrsry. ? H.B. & R. McK.

********** SPOILER - DON'T READ MY POST UNTIL YOU'VE TRIED THIS DEFINITION YOURSELF **************

I'll give it a go.

DELPH:  Abbreviation for "delphinium," long showy perennial with blue flowers.  Other common abbreviations include, mum (not sure of that one), snapdragon, daffodil, gladioli.  If you can read this definition, you can get a good job at a nursery.

How did I do Toby.  Do I get the job. 

Laurie.

[ideasguy]

Meatloaf said "2 out of 3 ain't bad"
Not so sure about 3 out of 4 though 
Clue? Think about Aunth-mum 
We'll see what the "Boss" says 

[Kathy & Laurie]

Clue? Think about Aunth-mum 

Darn it George, Kathy's not here at the moment so I can't cheat. 

I still don't know what it is. Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Laurie.

[Kathy & Laurie]

Chrysanthemum ..........

sheesh men..

Kathy

[ideasguy]

Careful now... Boss mightn't give you the job!

[bossgard]

Seems to me that we?re getting into a squabble over there.  Cut it out, we?re supposed to be a peaceful Community, otherwise the neighbors will gossip.

I wouldn?t be too anxious about this job in this nursery, on this piece of land it?s all voluntary. No money changes hands, and you even have to bring your own lunch and provide your own transportation. Bring you own shovel and rake too, no tools furnished. The last workers I had ran away with mine. Can?t understand that!

Kathy has it right!

Just for that she get?s an extra Daffy Definition:

Daffy Definition #4: TOMATO: This universally appreciated garden vegetable provides a fascinating demonstration of the biological ?clocks? that all plants possess. Regardless of when tomatoes are planted, they will all become synchronized, mysteriously producing a gigantic crop of ripe fruit within a few hours of one another. This process can be triggered by ?packing? ? a method that entails making noisy and highly visible preparations for a trip, culminating in a dramatic ?departure.? The fruit will turn red and begin dropping to the ground within 15 to 20 minutes, and the harvest can usually begin after a few leisurely spins around the block. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #5!

Back to the Gardening Classroom to get a very basic Gardening Education about ANNUALS and PERENNIALS.

STUDENTS PAY ATTENTION!

ANNUAL: Any plant that dies before blooming. See PERENNIAL.

PERENNIAL:  Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after year.
See ANNUAL.  ?  H.B. & R. McK.

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #6:

GARDEN FERTILIZER: The feeding of plants is a complicated and quite technical procedure, but the few essential facts about fertilizers can be quickly mastered. Just remember the numbers 3-2-5. They refer to: the three basic types ? messy, stinky, and messy/stinky; the two sizes they are available in ? tidbit (4 ounce packet) and blammo (220-pound sack); and the five methods of application ? too much, too little, too early, too late, and wrong kind. ?  H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

[bossgard]

DAFFY DEFINITION #7

SOILS: There are basically three kinds of soil: sandy, clay, and loamy-muddy. How can you tell which type you have? Ask one of your children or a neighbor?s child to come over and play in your yard. Inspect the results. Is it a castle, a tasteful little ashtray, or a messy mud pie? That?s really all there is to it. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby